blind side, black friday, and marshall's stuff...

4:38:00 PM Edit This 3 Comments »

Okay, so Kenny and I were talking about the movie 'blind side' telling mom, who wants to see it too, that they had actual footage of Michael Ohr while getting drafted by the Ravens in 2009 at the end of the movie. When I swear to you, she blurted out with, "He plays pro football? How can he do that blind?'

Kenny, Kris, and I just looked at each other for about two seconds of disbelief before we freaking fell about the van laughing......omg, such a blond moment for VOD. She actually thought it was about a blind boy.

Last night we were walking through Walmart when I stopped to ask an associate how
Thursday night/Friday morning was gonna go. I mean last year they were closed from Midnight till five am, then it was a mad dash to the electronics department. But this year they are not closing and I want one of the 198.00 laptops they have, so I was all, "Are you just gonna have a thousand angry shoppers standing back in electronics all damn night?" Needless to say, she was clueless and didn't know or care what was gonna happen then cause she off on that night.

As we were walking off she said, "Good luck on Black Friday." Well, Chan looks at me and says:

Chan: Mom, are you going?
Me: Where?
Chan: To black Friday?
Me: Well yeah, your dad and I are gonna be there at three in the morning.
Chan: But we're not black.
Me: (trying desperately not to bust out laughing.) Honey, what do you think black Friday is?
Chan: It's where black people get a lot of stuff on sale and white people have to pay a higher price.

Omg, what just fell out my baby's pie hole. I think he's been spending too much time around mom....you know after the whole blind thing.

Then I swear today we're eating thanksgiving dinner and at the table was me, my nieces Kari and Lyndsey, my sister in law Stephanie, and my nephew, Marshall. And this went down:

Kari: So Lynsey just remember a sissy has a 24 hour limit before it needs a bath. So be sure to bathe everyday.
Me: Ya'll are nasty. That's some nice talk at the dinner table.
Kari: We're just trying to help. She's young and needs to know.
Me: Lyndsey the only thing you need to know is that boys will hump a tree if it were to stand still long enough, never believe a boy when he says he loves you during the act of sex, and not only does a dirty sissy expire after 24 hours, but some big people have areas that chafe down there and that creates an odor too.
Stephanie: What?
Me: Yeah, fat people have skin on skin down there and if not properly cared for they can chafe.
Marshall: Yeah, men get that too.
Me: (Marshalls a big dude.) Oh you know this from experience?
Marshall: No! I'm not big down there.

It was at that very moment that he stopped and said, 'shit!' under his breath, cause he knew that we were all about to give him the lashing of a lifetime. Omg, I swear to the you I peed in the chair I was in, I couldn't stop laughing long enough to stop it. We were screaming.

Then as luck would have it thirty minutes later we ran out of turkey and Marshall actually said, "Nana, I guess you were right, it is too small." Just know that twenty people fell about the kitchen. Poor Marshall, he will never live this down.

He's 24 now and he's not lived down the time his mom caught he counting all three pubics he had at the age of 12. I've ribbed him for 12 years on that one, now I can move on to him 'not being big down there.' Bah, ha, ha, ha, ha......What'd you guys talk about during dinner?

Our new baby...

8:12:00 AM Edit This 4 Comments »

So back in June our indoor/outdoor cat, Katie (you remember the one I caught with one paw in the fish bowl and one paw chasing the fish?) ran out our front door one morning and never came home.
Last Friday we decided to adopt a cat off Craigslist, after searching for over two weeks I finally landed on this cutie, his name is Dexter. And yes, he is named after the HBO series dude, Dexter. He was so cute I emailed and his owner called back to set up a time to meet him.
He emailed me an address, so off Kenny, Chandler, and I went on Friday afternoon to a small town about 44 miles away. Thank God I have a TomTom or we would still be there trying to find our way back home. Course at one point, the TomTom bitch was all, ‘In 100 yards, turn left.’ So I did onto this dirt road complete with pot holes and creepy trees on either side. After about a mile on what I thought was a serial killers driveway I called Dexter’s owner and was all, "Do you have a really long dirt driveway?" He replied, "Um, no." At this point, Chandler says, "Mom, I’m scared." Well join the club little dude so am I at this point. We did manage to turn around and TomTom bitch rerouted us to the correct address.
His parents were a cute young couple that had a really noisy cocker spaniel which is why they had to find Dex a new home. We fell in love with him immediately, paid the adoption fee, gathered up all his cat belongings, and headed to the house. Now I don’t know if you’ve ever been in a car with a cat, but they usually meow like your probing them in their furry ass with a bat for the entire time their in there. It’s torture for the cat and its torture for you. But not Dexter how bout little cat dude just curled up in his carrier and went to sleep. I mean never made a peep.
Once we got him home, he set up camp in my scrapbook room and settled nicely under my desk. We went to bed about 10:00 so he could tour the house by himself. At 2:00 am, Kenny went down to find that he’d made his way out and was hiding under the dining room table. And at 4:00 am, I got up to find him in the living room. I stayed up and played with him. You could just say that I was smitten with him from the get go.
He was really on his best behavior for the first three days, I think cause he thought there was a dog living there.
But on Monday night, he decided there really wasn’t a dog to keep him in line so he proceeded to stand out in the hall right outside our bedroom door and scream like a girl cat in heat. That’s the first time I’d heard him actually make a noise, but 2:00 am is not really the most fabulous time to voice it. Then at some point, that same night he managed to jump up on mom’s bed about four times and landed on her little pitiful old people legs.
On Tuesday, he started scratching at the floor around is food bowl sort of like he was covering poop in his dirty box. We moved that to the hearth onto some tile so he couldn’t hurt the carpet. Last night went a lot better as he didn’t scream, but this morning I got a call from mom:

Mom: You know how you always do a pros and cons list to everything you do?
Me: Yeah.
Mom: Well, your cats con list is growing by the minute.
Me: What’d he do?
Mom: Well for starters, I was walking through the living room and he came flying across the room and ran right between my legs……
Me: (Bah, ha, ha, ha……)
Mom: It’s not funny! Then he nearly took Chandlers head off trying to jump onto the back of the chair he was playing in to get to the fish. (Mind you this is a giant fish that a neighbor dropped off at our house as they were moving out of state. So his ginormous fish ass is really not my concern.)
Me: I think we should just flush the fish. So do that today.
Mom: I can’t flush that fish, I feed him, he looks at me everyday, in my eyes while I feed him. My conscious will not let me flush him.
Me: Mom, just flush him. Just think of it as returning him to the sea.
Mom: Omg! Now he’s on the back of your couch trying to knock your seashells off the wall.
Me: Okay, do you want me to call the little couple and give him back.
Mom: Naw, he’s just a kitten. Besides Chandler and Kenny love him.
Me: He tripped you? That’s hilarious.
Mom: It’s not funny. My knee is swollen!
Me: (At this point, my coworker Travis offered to keep our fish on his desk.) Hey, Travis said I could bring the fish to him and he’ll keep him on his desk.
Mom: Y’all are gonna flush that fish aren’t you?!
Me: Mom, no! We’re not gonna flush him, I swear.

I know she don’t believe me. As soon as I got off the phone with her, I email his previous owner to fill him in on all the cat nastiness he’d been up to and he was appalled at that baby’s behavior. I’m gonna give it a couple more days to see if he calms down a bit…..good Lord I’m cool with all his catness, but the keeping me up while I’m sleeping thing. I went through that when Chandler was an infant and I don’t miss that a bit…..wish us luck.
Oh, I almost forgot this cat can do some of the coolest back flips in the air…..he actually went running through the room and back flipped into our 56 inch big ole box tv. He slammed into that thing like a cartoon character and then slid down the screen on his face. I’ll try to video tape it for ya….

Yeah bitches....it's up already.

5:12:00 PM Edit This 7 Comments »

Omg. this is my yard sale tree that I freakin dug back from Mt. Morgan, AL. And can I just say that it's the best 25.00 dollars I've ever spent.
And this year mom and I compromised on the decor and went with a pink beach theme. I love the beach and she needed some color....so what better color than pink.
Course I'll be beating the damn UPS dude down for ruining my mom Christmas surprise for mom. Yeah, he put a note on our door saying that he would deliver the TV this afternoon. WTF? She called me all upset cause she can't afford to spend that type of money on us.....um, okay but I don't wash you clothes, take care of your child, or cook all your meals either so shut up and enjoy that fact that we have jobs and can get it for you.
I also scored a mini Acer computer for Chandler today to.....so I'm Christmas fabulous. Now I have to think of something for Kenny. Peace out.

what the hell?

6:38:00 PM Edit This 7 Comments »

so today I'm at work minding my own damn business and that of all the people's paychecks I'm in charge of when hot husband calls me to tell me that he has shattered the damn screen on his mobile phone. the very mobile phone that i purchased for him not two months ago cause he had busted the damn screen on his old one. i was really just glad that he didn't shattered the car of his legs. note to self, run by Verizon and get me a stylish new cute phone and give Kenny my old phone.

then not an hour later my off spring calls me from my moms mobile to say, "omg mom, everybody at school has these bracelets that turn into a animal when you talk them off and i really have to have some! please, can we go get some tonight? i have to have them, I'm the only one that doesn't have any. please? you're the best mother ever!" oh yeah, he's got my number.

so I'm all picturing this cute little furry slap bracelets that have an animal head on one end and can i just say that i was way off. course so was chandler, when he told me they were one dollar for a pack of twelve.

i spent the last thirty minutes of work calling every specialty toy store and parent-teacher store in Franklin only to be told that, 'we're sold out, we'll have another shipment in a few days.' what?

i finally found one store with 24 boxes of them, but of course they couldn't hold me one as every bitch in Franklin was calling to get them, so it was first come, first serve. i nearly killed 4758 people on the interstate rushing to get the one thing my child didn't have just so he wouldn't feel left out.

i get there only to find out that they are in these cute little Chinese plastic cases and their full of brightly colored animal shaped rubber bands. no, I'm not shittin you......and they were at the low, low price of 8.99 a box of about 20. um, dude am i gonna get to see someone naked and the rubber bands for that price? shit! yes, i just threw down 19.86 of my hard earned money for some fucking tiny ass neon animal shaped rubber fucking bands.

but my child was totally stoked that I'm such a fabulous mom and i got a cute phone to boot.....oh, and after he sat there and put all of those bracelets on his arm he actually turned to me and said, 'i don't like the rubber feel of em.' I'm home schooling that little street urchin starting tomorrow.

then i walked in the door and handed Kenny my old phone and he actually had the giant balls to say, 'where's my new phone, my birthday was yesterday and i should get a new phone.' fucker you should just be glad that you have a phone that doesn't have a shattered screen just like your last two phones.....one of these days, Assjacket.....straight to the moon.

pumpkinfest 2009

2:43:00 PM Edit This 4 Comments »

Our small town has a cute little thing downtown on Halloween called Pumpkinfest each year. Can I just say that the Franklin Heritage Foundation is gonna hear from me tomorrow morning.
I didn't complain last year but this year it's gonna be hard for me to zjp it. This festival attracts around 6000 people to main street each year and the businesses and vendors that are down there are reaping the benefits of that crap.
Over half the businesses and vendors that were there this year couldn't be bothered to buy a couple bags of candy to pass out to the kids. I mean what kind of decent bitch can stand there an tell a bazillion kids that are dressed all cute that, 'We don't have any candy.' I told one woman, "I hope you enjoy saying that cause you got a long day of ahead." This was at one of the stores that had a sofa table made out of seashells that was on sale for 3000.00 dollars. What? You sell shit for that much? And you can't afford to shell out some candy one day a year? You
going straight to hell ho.
And while I'm bitching at you, don't place the Pumpkinfest flyer in your business window that specifically states that there will be trick or treating if you're not gonna pass out candy.
Then as if that wasn't fun enough, we took Chandler to 5th avenue which is lined with historical homes that were built in the 1800's. It was awesome other than the 47859 Mexicans that were dressed up like tiny hookers and the woman than told Chandler that he couldn't have a twirling light up ring cause, 'oh, these are only for the little ones.' What! Girl you should be totally glad that my child isn't old enough to roll your historical yard, soap your historical windows, or egg your historical car.
Believe it or not, my little man did have a great time dressed as Clark Kent and he scored a ridiculous amount of candy.
December 2009
October 2009