Big Cute Beach Girl

On vacation that should have gotten them an ass whopping….

** Kendall poking Kenny in the jaw - Okay, Kenny had the privilege of sitting next to Kendall during the ride and every time he would fall asleep, Kendall would poke him in the jaw with three of his little digits hard enough to scare the be Jesus out to Kenny. I think his butt scrunched up a couple times.
** Chandler answering "No." – It got to a point where every time Kendall would call his name, Chandler would just say, "No."
** Beating each other down to be the first to push the damn floor button on the elevator – I mean how much pleasure can one person get from pushing that fucking button? I mean do they aspire to doormen?
** Chandler being on high alert so that Kendall could not ‘copy’ him – He made sure to order this drink with a whisper to our waitress so that Kendall couldn’t ‘copy’ him. Then I wanted to beat my child for even caring that someone thought enough of them to want to copy them. He didn't get it.
** Kendall nearly falling off the eighth floor balcony – Okay, this didn’t really happen but, Joni went next door for something and we were all in the kitchen when we hear one of the balcony chairs hit the glass door. Now in my head, Kendall had gotten his punk 5 year old ass up in that chair, leaned over the side, and had fallen to his child death which resulted in my screaming his name at the top of my lungs. This child came back in that door with a ‘what the fuck are you screaming my name for lady?’ look on his face. Then I yelled at him that Kenny ask him not to go out on the balcony alone but he ‘wanted to’ was how he put it.
** Chandler throwing a bitch girl fit – Kendall had accidentally erased the memory on one of Chandlers DS games and you would have thought that he caught dude sleeping with his woman. Okay? The world will never be the same now that that game has been erased. Lord have mercy, glory be.
** Kendall giggling like Ernie from Sesame Street – Okay, about a mile from the house on the way home, I realized that Mom and Kenny didn’t bring their key sets with them, so our house key was with Tanya at work in Nashville. So I called her and we had to unload the hooptie van in from of our house and wait. When Kendall saw how upset we all were he decided to go into an Ernie giggle fit and then absolutely refused to stop laughing. Then some neighbor kid came by to ask if we were having a yard sale, in his defense I did have a eight foot Christmas tree sitting out there that I picked up at someones sale at the beach.
** Kendall not saying ‘I’m sorry’ – Okay, he said something really crazy to me in my bathroom but when his mom ask if he’d said, "I’m sorry." His reply was, "I did in my heart, but she didn’t hear it." Then this lead to Kendall and I having a 30 minute argument over that fact that he has to say the words out loud for it to count. It ended with me sitting him in front of me and saying, "Do not let any other words exit your face other than the words, "I’m sorry." This took several attempts but he finally got it right.
** Them competing for the ‘best’ title of fucking everything. – I mean who cares who can walk faster, or pee faster, or run faster, or eat a hot dog the quickest, or who's feet smell better, or who can find the most shells, or dig the deepest hole. I was right before digging the deepest hole and putting both their trifling baby asses in it. Then just acting like they came up missing.
** Them running amok on the beach during our first beach family photo – It was like the sand was kiddie crack and these two were addicts from way back. They freaking took off running and falling over in the sand which resulted in Kendall filling his hair full of sand. And he's got black people hair so it sticks.
** Kendall taking his fist and cold cocking Chandler in his wedding tackle – Omg, I saw this happening but it was like it was in slow motion and I couldn’t stop it before the blunt force trauma to my child’s pebbles happened. Chandler feel over, then once he regained his composure, jumped up, screamed, "He is evil and I hate him!", then tried to take off up the boardwalk back to the condo. Um, I had to stop him by saying but I didn’t get my family beach photo yet. Priorities people. Photos trump balls any day.
** Chandler finding his brute strength and hurling Kendall down the beach – About five minutes after the ball incident we were standing out on the beach talking to a couple and we see Kendall literally go falling past us through the air and landing on his shoulder. I mean he flew by so fast that Joni’s hair moved. Okay? Turn about is fair play I guess…
** Kendall commenting that the van smelled like old people. - I tried to ignore the comment in hopes that no one heard it, but it was too late. My mom had already heard it with her super bionic old people ears. I'm not sure what he was smelling cause I sniffed her up and down and I didn't smell any Rose Milk lotion or Ben Gay. She smells pretty normal to me.

my family is three shades of color.....kenny tans like a biscuit in a day, i look like a giant lobster, and chandler looks like vampire boy what with all his 2 whiteness. and he was out there all day with us. so go figure.

we decided to skip the beach yesterday as the first day resulted in us having sand in places you can't imagine. it was like sitting in a wind storm, not only did i have it in my hair, and my ears, but when i woke up this morning i had a good ounce of it in my eyes that had made it's way out while i slept.

we tried a new restaurant last night it looked promising from the outside but then kenny and my mom bitch up blue blazes about the salad bar which they were being charged 2.99 for. as it turned out, it only had four items on it. i could have put out a bigger spread at my house and i don't like salad.

but once the meals showed up, everyone totally forgot about the couple pieces of lettuce they had earlier. my chicken alfredo was sick, kennys steak was great, and all joni's seafood was fabulous. so i might suggest that gordan ramsey show up and teach these people a thing or do. cause there was only ten people in there at six pm on a saturday night. no good.

we ended the day by souvenir shopping, which if you know our kids is a trip all in itselfs cause kendall being five thinks he can just zoom through the store like chandler who is ten does.

oh and i might have gone yard saleing on my way to the scrapbook store yesterday morning and scored a seven and half foot prelite tree brand new in the book bitches for 25.00 dollars. so i'm off the walmart to purchase some bungees so that none of us have to hitch a ride on a bus to get home, i mean the hooptie van can only hold seven peeps and some luggage but a tree? and now kendall had to have a giant boogie board? not gonna happen.

1. If you could uninvent one thing in the world so that it would no longer exist, what would you choose? Pantyhose, wtf?
2. Do you find it easy to ask for help? If I need it.
3. If you lived a hundred years ago, what job would you have had? Head mistress at a brothel. Don’t laugh, you know it true.
4. What are some of the most persistent and challenging obstacles in your everyday life? Keeping up with where Kenny might end up as he is out in a car. He is totally directionally challenged and I usually get calls a couple times a week for directions.

5. If you met your clone, someone with your exact personality traits, likes and dislikes, etc. Would you want to be friends with him/her? Omg, yes. I love me.
6. What is your biggest challenge in life right now? Not making out with a donut.

7. If you had to be famous for something, what would you choose? For being the most fabulous organizing bitch ever.
8. What surprises you most about your life so far? That Terri thinks it never really gets better, cause it can’t go on like that forever. This too shall pass.

9. How would people who knew you in high school describe you? Funny as hell.
10. What’s your favorite meal of the day, and why? Lunch cause I get to argue with Billie.
11. What is the one thing you would really regret not doing at some point in your life? Going to Hawaii.
12. If you had to, how would you describe yourself in a personal ad? Big hot girl looking for next husband.
13. What is the one thing that you “know for sure”? That the minute you think every is fine, something totally fucked up will happen to you. So don’t get comfortable.
14. When is the last time you got lost and what happened? I don’t get lost. I’m a woman.
15. Have you planned your funeral and/or written your will? No. And that’s just stupid cause I’m sure there are some people would like to kill me.

16. Do you carry an umbrella when rain is forecast or do you just risk it? No, never have an umbrella with me; I’m not sugar so I won’t melt.
17. How bad is traffic in your town? In the 80s it was great here you could jog across town in five minutes, but now it’s grown so fast that you have to pack a cooler just to get to the other side of town during rush hour. Fuck little town traffic.
18. What is your most despised household chore? All of them.
19. Pick out the most important item in your wallet/purse and tell why it’s important to you. My make up bag. The world isn’t ready for me without make up.
20. What was your first car? 1983 Toyota Tercel, baby blue with a moon roof.
21. When listening to music, do you tend to focus more on the lyrics or the melody?
Depends on the song really.

22. If you had to pick a theme song to sum up your life right now, what would it be? Joy and Pain by Rob Base

23. What celebrity crushes did you have when you were growing up? Donny and Shaun.
24. What cartoon character best describes you? Tigger
25. Complete this statement: “I recommend…..” taking regular trips to the beach.
26. How do you learn best? Hands on Baby.
27. Is one of your senses more highly developed than another? Touch
28. What says summer to you? Bitch, get go to the pool.
29. What’s your favorite food item in your refrigerator right now? Strawberries.
30. What one item in your kitchen best describes your personality? A clear tea jar filled with shells.
31. What is the best thing about the city in which you currently live? That old school Franklin people wave at you and transplant bitches don’t. That way you can tell the folks that really belong here.
32. What do you love most about yourself? It’s a toss up between my personality and my hair.
33. Is it easier for you to forgive or forget? Neither. But I’m working on both. I do live by ‘screw me once, shame on me, screw me twice, you’ll end up dead in the woods somewhere’.
34. Do you believe people can change? No.

35. Have you ever attended a high school or college reunion? What was it like? Ten year and it was so long ago I don’t even remember anything other than the hottest guy in school was in the corner crying over his wife leaving him.
36. Do you keep in regular contact with anyone from high school and/or college? I do until they say something totally fucked up and out of no where and then they gone.
37. What new course would you like to see added to the nation’s school curriculum? Checkbook balancing, paying bills, and/or Taking care of yourself financially.

38. Where is your favorite place to sit when at home? On my bed.
39. If you could spend a year in perfect happiness but afterward remember nothing of the experience, would you do it? No, memories are great escape from the norm.

40. If your house was burning and you only had time to rescue three non living things, what would they be? My 2 carat ring, all 7 ginormous scrapbooks, and all 10 of my new off the shoulder tops.
41. What or who encourages the child in you to come out and play? Chandler and Kenny.
42. What flavor of ice cream best describes your personality? Strawberry.

43. Which of the seven dwarf’s best personifies you? Happy.
44. If you had to describe your disposition with meteorological terms, what would a typical forecast be like? Sunny with a chance of severe thunderstorms if needed.
45. What breakfast cereal best describes your personality? Fruit Loops

.46. What do you think is the biggest waste of time? Meetings. My workplace is the most meeting having place I’ve ever been. And as soon as the damn thing starts I get sleepy…..everytime.

47. Complete this statement: “If I knew then what I know now, I….” would gone away to college.
49. Do you generally take the high road or the low road? Some of both, mostly high but no one ever notices when I do that.
50. If you had to name the worst song to wake up to in the morning, what would it be? Afternoon Delight. Fucking hate that song.