6:23:00 PM Edit This 1 Comment »


I look perfectly rested and relaxed in this photo, don't I? Well, that's because it was taken yesterday and today I'm suffering from sleep deprivation. I usually go to bed between eight and nine o'clock each night. Yeah, I know I'm loads of fun.

Anyway I didn't get to bed last night till shitting ass ten cause my OCD wouldn't let me miss 'Hoarders' which is on A&E at nine. So this morning at four am I'm working on my sixth hour of beauty sleep and I'm dreaming about me and Derrick McDreamy rolling around in the sand while straight up eating each others faces off when I keep hearing this freaking loud ass beep which is going off every five seconds. So in my dream I'm all looking around for the garbage truck that is surely backing the fuck up on the beach in middle of my love fest with Doctor Derrick.

Then I wake up to find that it is the damn fire alarm that is located directly over my bed on my bedroom cathedral ceiling. Oh yeah, and it just happens to be attached in highest point of the damn thing, like ten feet over my head. And I don't own a fucking ladder. Kill me now.

First I decide to close both doors, gathered up my blanket, and go sleep in Chandlers room but I could still hear the some bitch. Then I go down stairs and retrieve a six foot boat oar that not only goes with my beach decor but can be used as a weapon for intruders or fire alarms. Let me just tell you that I was swinging at this thing like a Mexican at a pinata and the only thing that did was leave some pretty ugly spots on my ceiling.

Now it's time to pull out the big guns damn thing has woke me out of a dead sleep and has kept me up for the last fourteen minutes? Fuck this shit. Mind you all this time the damn thing is putting out one of those loud short screams every five seconds so I'll do just about anything to get the damn noise to stop. It was at that moment that I remember my mom purchasing one of those long arm things with the grabbing pincher's on the end, like old people order. Yeah, we made pretty hard fun of her for that one.

So I set off back down the steps to find said grabbing thingy, once I looked under ever cabinet in the kitchen I got my hands on it. Stomped back up the steps, stood on my makeup chair, grabbed that damn thing and twisted it. It came down and was hanging by the cords, still couldn't reach it to replace the battery so I grabbed it and hanked down on it like my life depended on it. Bitch ass thing went crashing to the floor. And I swear it beeped like two more times which was enough to send my mouth into straight up sailor mode. I made up some new cuss words.

As I was getting down off the chair I realized that my windows were up and my blinds were up, my bedroom is on the second floor so if anyone was walking their dog that early I'm pretty sure they saw a part of me that they won't soon come back from cause in true dirty girl style I wasn 't wearing any panties. Just my shortie gown and my arms were up over my head which would leave my old people stuff hanging out out for the world to see.

How'd you sleep last night, I sure hope better than me.

things i learned this weekend....

7:25:00 PM Edit This 1 Comment »

** my stepson is awesome - not only is he cute, but he is totally handsome in his football uniform. and can i just say that this was my first high school football game since 1982, i learned that i can't stand to be around dumb, screaming, teenagers. and that black leggings with white daisy duke shorts worn over them is the new thing. wtf? i thought the first girl just had really bad taste but then i counted 37 other girls with the exact outfit on. oh and i actually saw not one, but two naked babies out in the damn rain, one had a wash rag on his head. so I'm sure than helped keep him dry.
** my child can get to the very end of a sixty dollar video game in a day and a half. - learned a very valuable lesson, to not actually purchase the stupid game just rent it and save myself 55.00 dollars.
** that Ronald McDonald is on crack. - course with what he charges for food he certainly can afford that habit. Friday night after the game the manager of the one in my stepsons small town hadn't taken into account that every redneck at said game would show up at 10.30 pm to eat and she couldn't be bothered to move quickly must less pick up her feet so she was making a shwooooshing sound with her big fat feet. she must have won that damn job. then Saturday night the boy taking my order couldn't explain why they charge 5.90 for two fries. yeah, two twenty piece nuggets was ten, then he added 5.90 which i thought was two fries and two drinks. but no, he added another 2.00 dollars for two drinks. when i ask why two fries was 5.90 he suddenly became a stuttertard. i freaking hate McDonald's.
** Walgreen's can suck it. - the same damn one i had a run in with last week was closed today because as the sign they hung in the drive thru window read, 'we don't have a pharmacist on duty'. what? are you kidding me? i will be emailing corporate about this location first thing in the morning course that is if my husband doesn't spazz out and kill all of us in our sleep cause he couldn't pick up his mood medicine. some bitches.
** movie popcorn is the only reason to go to the movies. - we went to see 'Jennifer's body' this afternoon and i know that popcorn isn't on my low carb diet but i couldn't resist movie popcorn. i even in my head was all, 'well it's good carbs cause corn is totally good for you.' whatever, I'll have to do way better the rest of this week.

New neighbors and Walgreens,,.,

7:51:00 PM Edit This 1 Comment »

First, I’m sitting in my living room watching yesterday watching ‘mission: organization’ when I hear a big boom noise. Yep, I get up and look out the window to find new neighbors moving it. At first glance, it is a little short Mexican man, a tall ill shapened white woman, and a gothic, skinny jean wearing, mascara and black nail polish wearing teenage boy. Wtf? Yeah, my mother feels that Satan’s spawn has moved in next door and from this point forward as she puts it, ‘this place will be locked up tighter than Dick’s hatband.’ What? Who’s Dick? And what’s a hatband?
I went over to meet them in person and the parental units seem fine, but Satantard sat just inside the door and never spoke a word, he probably plotting how he can kill and cut up my fat ass all by himself. The parents inform me that they have five children. Really? I’ll be calling ya’ll the Brady/Clampetts family. I’ll keep you informed on that development.
Second, the pharmacist down at the Walgreen’s is right before getting a bitch slap from big momma. Okay? So the school nurse calls me to tell me that she is out of Chan man’s medicine and that she doesn’t even have one for that day. What? Way to keep a bitch parent inform nurse whore.
Luckily I had a prescription in my purse for said medicine. So off to the Walgreen’s I go, I went inside with the intent to wait on it. But after being told it was gonna be a thirty minutes I opted to run by the house and wait. Now I had to be at work at noon, I dropped off the prescription at 10:15, I came back at 11:05. So I gave them 40 minutes to get the shit done.
I pull up to the drive thru and ching, ching, china girl comes to the window:
Chingy: May I hep you?
Me: I’m here to pick up a prescription that I dropped off an hour ago.
Chingy: Hold peas.
Now I sit there for over five minutes watching her type on the computer, like she’s really doing something. Then she starts shuffling through some papers. And I’m all, ‘oh shit, if they haven’t done this shit I’m gonna come unglued. Now believe it or not, bitch never came back to the window but she did walk back and forth in front of it about a bazillion times. Then a sister comes to the window:

Sista: Have you been helped?
Me: Well Chingy was trying to help me but all she’s done is tell me to hold on and then go running back and forth in front of the window.
Sista: I’m sorry, let me see what I can do. (Fake types on computer.) Um, our pharmacist has been spread really thin due to all of the flu shots being given. I’ll have it in a minute.
Me: Great! I’m gonna be late for work.
Sista: Sorry.
I’m not lying when I tell you that I fucking sat there for 40 minutes waiting on my damn prescription. At some point, I cut the car off and then the heat set in. Then sista come back to the window:
Sista: Again I’m really sorry. She’s with the last patient now.
Me: Omg, you’ve got to be kidding me right now! When you say thirty minutes, you need to have the shit ready in thirty minutes. I’m gonna be fucking late for work right now from sitting here and waiting on you people to do your jobs!
Sista: I know, I’m sorry. But she’s been giving flu shots…..
Me: Okay, I don’t give a rats ass about someone’s flu shot. I needed my prescription ready at eleven. Is the prescription even filled yet?
Sista: Well she has to approve all of the prescription orders before they go out.
Me: Is the damn pills in a bottle at least?!
Sista: The prescription has been ready all this time; we’ve just been waiting on her to approve them.
Me: This is ridiculous! Please, I’m begging you to get my shit ready.

Now mind you, I actually sat for over twenty of the minutes watching said pharmacist fake type on the fake computer. She wasn’t giving flu shots or filling orders; she was standing there in front of a computer…..typing. What?
I notice they had their store hours and phone number in the window, so now I pick up my cell and call the store manager to see if this is normal. If he says yes, I swear I’ll go in there and light a fire under someone’s actual ass.
Luckily right before he came to the phone, Sista puts my med bag in the little drawer and waves…..that’s right, she didn’t want to hear me bitch anymore.
So I’ll be adding Walgreen’s to my list of dumbshit companies to not frequent. Good God October 15th cannot get here fast enough,,,,,,I'll be sitting my fat ass on the closest beach.

Thirteen of my favorite people...

8:38:00 PM Edit This 6 Comments »

Joni is gonna kill me for putting up this photo, but I love it. It was taken about one month before I met Kenny and like a true dumbass ran to the alter after only knowing him for 6 weeks. In this I was single and carefree, now I'm married and a mom. I've not had a good nights sleep since the day I met Kenny. He tends to be like a child most of the time and gets bored if you don't entertain him. Whatever.
Now onto my 13 favorite peeps....

1. Kenny - I'll let him be first since he does see me naked on a daily basis. He is one of my best friends and there is nothing I can't talk to him about. When the day comes that we aren't married to each other, I will still hang out with him as a best friend. We just won't be sleeping together.
2. Chandler - I couldn't have ask for a better child. He is so me it's a little scary. And he does manage to make me smile at least once a day. He terrorizes my mom on a daily basis so I consider myself lucky.
3. VOD - Omg, I can't imagine my life without her. She cooks my meals, washes my clothes, and takes care of my offspring. She rocks and tomorrow is her 165th birthday. Damn, she old. But I love her.
4. Joni - We have been friends since about 1992, Joni sorry is that's not correct. I met her while we were both young and looking for some love. We've been through a lot together including the four years that I was acting like a total dillhole and I didn't talk to her. The day we got back together, was as if we'd never been apart. And if I were to ever pull a gay card I wouldn't be able to get to her house fast enough for some big girl booty.
5. Terri - Terri and I totally get each other. She's my drinking on the beach, singing on the balcony, and wash your titties in the sink friend. I wouldn't trade anyone for her. I know that if I'm sad she can cheer me up just by referencing her last funky 'explosive diarrhea' having boyfriend.
6. Billie - Okay, seriously when I first heard that a woman name Billie was coming to work for us I was all, "Omg, anyone named Billie is probably old and crazy." Well, crazy was right. But she isn't old and that bitch can blurt out some of the funniest shit. I actually got publish on 'overheard in the office' with one of our conversation.
7. Angelia - Her name is really Angela, but she got to spell it all reflicted to through off some white people. What am I saying? She is white. She's pregnant right now, she says she's only about 9 weeks along. But if so, she having a bazillion babies cause I noticed today that she has giant cankles. And her bellybutton looks like a doorknob. Oh and she's planning on naming her baby girl, Isis. Which is a damn Power Rangers name and you know I'm gonna call that child, Is Is. If it's a boy it's gonna be Ochean, which is just Ocean with an H thrown in. I'm calling the baby Emma right now and I hope to God it sticks in her mind, course its gonna be pretty confused if it's a boy named Emma. Love you B.
8. Kerrie - I worked with her at O'Charleys and now at FMC. She seems all creepy and supervisorish, but in real life she is hysterical. Her husband pretty funny as well. She's been with me through a lot of crap I've had going on in my life and she stuck by me. Hell, she even went on one of my beach vacations, course she brought along that short fat lady from Poltergeist. When I ask what her friend looked like, she was all, "Well, she a big girl." Um Kerrie, no amount of you explaining would have gotten me prepared for that lump in a swimsuit you came walking down the boardwalk with. Oh and Kerrie has this creepy 'no feet' policy, so I like to stick my toes on her right after I've had them painted.
9. Kris - I married his dad when he was 3. He's now 15 and I love him as a teenager. He has stopped fighting with Chandler now and is actually a gob of fun to have around. Love, love, love my teenage stepson. You rock Kris.
10. GOF - She has been my mom since I was nine. And she took on a man with three rugrats to take care of. And it's not so bad that she is Old Franklin and she can get the low down on just about anyone that lives here. She can even get the dirty details on most folks with just one phone call. I wonder who she calls.
11. Summer - We've never actually met but I'm certain that I could be fabulous friends with this woman. We have a lot in common and she needs me to make her laugh and to remind her that everything in life really does have a funny side if you just search for it. I pray everyday that she will kick DH to the curb, pack up Baby, and move to Tennessee.
12. KimmyK - I have met her and she is fantabulous. She has this great curly hair that I used to pay 150.00 dollar a pop to get, she has the sweetest disposition, I love the pictures that she takes and I love to read about her life. Now if she'd only start writing again. Oh and her hubby's not too shabby either, he cracks my shit up.
13. Aunt Charlene - She's always been my favorite aunt and I've always looked up to her. That is until my mom told me that she was a sex toting, pole dancer before she hooked up with Jesus. Now I see her in a whole new light. And she's a lunch lady so I always have that to joke on her about. Not that theres anything wrong with lunch lady's, I just think it's funny that she is one. I totally wish she lived here too.

luke is the man....

8:05:00 PM Edit This 1 Comment »


okay, the love of my life, i mean dude from 'more to love' is down to three big girls to become his wife. first, i could totally do without the recap at the beginning of the show not just cause it sucks time out of my life but because i watch this shit religiously so i already know how many bitches you made out with last week. the other people who have not kept up shouldn't get to see a recap. recaps are for bitches.

second, i got a glimpse of his feet tonight and he sort of has flintstone feet. yeah, his big toe is totally resembling a GE lightbulb. and yes, i've had to kick some people to the curb for having unattractive feet. i'm shallow, i can't help it.

he's got all of these girls in hawaii, and i think he's just toying with them now cause i called the girl he was gonna pick on the first stinking show when these girls were getting out of the limo. he is gonna pick malissa cause she's blond with huge boobs and she has the cutest personality. if he picks one of the other two, i might have to email him with a few choice words.

i also had a run in and had to throw yet another bitch fit at walgreens today, but i'm tired and i'll have to tell it tomorrow.....love ya'll.

Another useless meme.....

5:24:00 PM Edit This 2 Comments »

Charlene, this is my short bus hair that I actually wore all day on Sunday, even went to the damn Walmart like this and by the way I have two of these puffy pony things, one for each side of my head, but when I took the photo from the front you couldn't really see both of them....now onto some useless info about me.
1. First thing you wash in the shower? Hair, armpits, sissy…..sorry, got carried away.
2. What color is your favorite hoodie? I don’t own anything with a hood attached, just another of my fashion no-nos for big girls. I don’t need any extra weight added to my man neck.
3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Hell to the yeah, I would.
4. Do you plan outfits? No. I do have a butt load of black and white Capri’s, so I just have to pick one of my many tops to match. Another way to keep your life simple.
5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? Sleepy, it’s early in the morning.
6. What's the closest thing to you that's red? My sansa, cause I played it so much this weekend that the battery died and I have to recharge on my computer.
7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? I’m not sure but it had Kirk Cameron in it due to the fact that the last show I watched that night was The Duggers and dude just happened to be on it. Yes, I’m a freak.
8. Did you meet anybody new today? Not yet, it’s still early.
9. What are you craving right now? A Gigi’s cupcake and just so you know, that carving never goes away.
10. Do you floss? Sometimes with the little stick thingies.
11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? My grandmother standing in front of the stove cooking that smelly shit.
12. Are you emotional? Like an open nerve ending.
13. Have you ever counted to 1,000? If I did I was drunk and on the balcony at the beach with Terri. She and I do lots of dumb shit when we’re tanked.
14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? It it’s on a cone lick, if it’s in a bowl bite. Damn, now I feel sort of dirty for the lick word.
15. Do you like your hair? I loved it till I got a wild hair up my ass a couple of weeks ago and cut 4 inches off. Never do that again.
16. Do you like yourself? Sometimes.
17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? If Patrick Dempsey went too.
18. What are you listening to right now? The noise of my fan.
19. Are your parents strict? My parents were great, I thought they were strict back in the day, but now I know that I had a great childhood with little rules. Actually I think my dad gave me just enough rope to hang myself a few times.
20. Would you go sky diving? Fuck no.
21. Do you like cottage cheese? No. I don’t even have anything nice to say about it.
22. Have you ever met a celebrity? Larry Gatlin and he was a Jackass. And the dark haired girl, Karen from Little Big Town in the nail salon but she was fabulously nice. Reba McEntire in the ladies room of a local nightclub and she splashed freaking water all over me.
23. Do you rent movies often? From Redbox. Who can resist a 1.00 a day rental.
24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in? A couple of my scrapbook layouts that are hanging on the wall.
25. How many countries have you visited? The one I’m in now.
26. Have you made a prank phone call? In my teens I lived for that shit.
27. Ever been on a train? No.
28. Brown or white eggs? Either, I’m an egg bitch.
29.Do you have a cell-phone? It’s like an extra arm.
30. Do you use Chap Stick? No, but Joni uses enough for about 20 people.
31. Do you own a gun? Yes, but I don’t like to look at it.
32. Can you use chop sticks? Yes, just one of the many talents I learned in high school.
33. Who are you going to be with tonight? Our cute little family.
34. Are you too forgiving? Oh my Lord, no. I can carry a grudge till dooms day or until you drop off the face of the earth. However, my momma says that if you don’t forgive, then you won’t be forgiven. Good plan.
35. Ever been in love? Yes and some people never get the chance to really fall in love. I consider myself very lucky in that sense. I've had the 'slow, smooth, lifetime love' and the 'no air, sloppy, soul mate, butterfly in your stomach' love. Both are great
36. Who is your BFF? Joni and Terrie. Shit, I’m lucky in BFFs too.
37. Ever have cream puffs? I don’t know, but if their loaded with sugar I’ll give them a try.
38. Last time you cried? I can’t remember. That’s a first.
39. What was the last question you asked? 'are you hungry?'
40. Favorite time of the year? Summer.
41. Do you have any tattoos? Oh yeah, Ivy vine and Angel wings.
42. Are you sarcastic? Oh, no. Not at all.
43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect? Freaking fabulous movie.
44. Ever walked into a wall? While intoxicated, yes. I’ve walked into a lot of things.
45. Favorite color? Pink.
46. Have you ever slapped someone? No. Never been in a fight in my life. But I’m ready in case the opportunity comes up.
47. Is your hair curly? No, my brothers got the great curly hair, I got stick straight hair.
49. Do looks matter? Yes, I’m shallow.
51. Is your phone bill sky high? No, not really. It’s pretty much the same every month.
52. Do you like your life right now? I’m disappointed in my body what with the facial surgery and I think a Breathe Right strip broke my face out this weekend, it’s like I have great facial skin until I hit 45. Now it’s a free for all.
53. Do you sleep with the TV on? No. Just a sound machine and a fan.
54. Can you handle the truth? Yes. Sometimes the truth is more fun.
55. Do you have good vision? No.
56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people? No. But there are a couple at work I could do without.
57. How often do you talk on the phone? Not as much as most woman. Joni and I do have an afternoon talk pretty much everyday.
58. The last person you held hands with? Chandler.
59. What are you wearing? Black Capri’s, a super cute baby doll top, and black flip flops.
60. What is your favorite animal? Cats.
61. Where was your default picture taken? At the beach.
62. Can you hula hoop? God no, and I tried this weekend in front of Chandler and his little girlfriend. They laughed hysterically.
63. Do you have a job? Yes and one that I love.
64. What was the most recent thing you bought? A damn Hooptie Caravan.
65. Have you ever crawled through a window? Yes, my niece and her friends were having a boy/girl party at my house for her 13th birthday and she wanted me to stay out of sight. So me and my girlfriend crawled out the window and perched ourselves in the trees behind my house to watch them through the sliding glass door. At one point, I have to climb back in cause some boy was pulling his pants down to show everyone his Tommy Hilfiger boxers. He went home shortly there after.

Late thirteen thursday....

8:02:00 PM Edit This 1 Comment »

** What is the first thing you notice about people? Their appearance….hair, clothes, even down to the shoes. Yep, I’m shallow.
** What song always makes you happy when you hear it? Good Vibrations by Marky Mark. Freaking bust a move everytime I hear it.
** What fashion trend do you just not get? Jeans hanging down on boys hips so that I have to be subjected to looking at their underwear. Chandler better not ever think about doing that, right now he pulls em up like white Erkel.
** Would you rather go a week without bathing, but be able to change your clothes, or a week without a change of clothes, but be able to bathe? Without a change of clothes but you'd be able to bathe, so you can wash the funk off whenever you feel the need.
** If you had to be trapped in a TV show for a month, which show would you choose? Omg, Big Brother. I’d have a few choice words to say to some of those assholes.
** What is one thing that you would change about yourself if you could? My weight.
** What do you think the secret to life is? Laugh at everything you possibly can and forgive others.
** When and with whom was your first kiss? EJ, a boy that lived in Nashville but drove to Franklin just to see me. I’m not sure what the EJ stood for, he was tall, heavy set, with red hair. I was sixteen and we were standing outside my sister in laws daycare center. It was horrible and I hated it, as soon as I started to enjoy kissing him, he broke my 16 year old heart.
** Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? I have to keep telling myself that or else I would have to blame me for the way things turn out. And who wants to do themselves down?
** What would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? Girl, we been waiting on you.
October 2009
August 2009