Big Cute Beach Girl

don't you love it when an angry whining child sticks her little Muppet head in your seemingly cute Nashville shores photo? Addy was not happy in this photo, but brandy and i were. we decided to take in Nashville shores for the day on Saturday. Nashville shores is like redneck riviera in our area, it has a couple of pools, a couple of massive water slides, and some damn 4.75 burgers. the last time i went was last year on a Saturday but i made the colossal mistake of getting there at noon which meant that all the fucking chairs were taking. but yesterday i was way smarter and i showed up the damn minute they opened. and um, where the hell was all the rednecks this Saturday? i mean they damn sure weren't having yard sales or at ns. was there a redneck convention out of town that i wasn't aware of?

i did teach Addy some fun and happy sayings go back to daycare and repeat, while taking their photo i was yelling out, every say____________________. some of the great things i taught her and that she blurted out in front of the fifty people that were at the pool was, 'hookers and hos!', 'panties and poles!', 'I'm a future pole dancer!'. Um, the last one she continued to repeat all the way home, so brandy will have a nice little teacher meeting to attend this week I'm sure.

Kenny and i took in 'final destination' 3D this weekend. and i found out very quickly that it is identical to the last three where some dorks left a situation where they were gonna die, then one by one death came back for them. enough already!

today was fun but on the way home from a family get together my husband blurts out that someone decided that I'm in my 'own little world' recently. um really? cause I'll be sure to stay in my 'own little world' from this point forward. so yeah. keep talking bitches.

then on the way home from a party that my child refuses to eat at, i have to stop at the local McDonald's to give them yet another ten dollars of my hard earned money. let me explain, i think I've bitch about them before but today topped the shit and I'll be sending the corporate office an email tomorrow. now in Nashville the all the other 4556 location of mcfuckalds have .25 cent mcnuggets, but not the two in frankvegas, they have to suck every cent right out of the rich bitches wallets. the cashier was this little tiny Gothic sucking teenage bitch, we'll call her Mortisha. she rang up a ten piece nugget meal deal, the chandler decided he just wanted the ten piece nuggets and a drink, no frys:

mortisha: that's 5.43.

me: for a ten piece and a drink?

mortisha: oh, no frys?

me: right.

mortisha: that's 5.33.

me: what? it's ten cents less and i'm out the frys?

mortisha:l yeah.

me: okay, what happened to the .25 cent nuggets? all the ones in Nashville do that.

mortisha: um well, we did that but not for long.

me: um, that's because you're located in the Franklin and your company thinks that all the people out here are rich.

mortisha: um, no we did cause we were losing money.

wtf? um, shouldn't you be worried that no one is ever gonna ask you out with that get up on? damn little bitch, you have no idea the shitting ass money that your company nets each year, so don't try to talk to me about why you bitches think it's okay to charge an arm and leg for some fried chicken parts and a fucking coke. i wanted to just slap the shit out of her and scream, 'knock it off! oh, and tone down the eyeliner you look like broom Hilda's daughter!'

so after i left and told chandler that he better enjoy his last meal from there, i came home to find that some jack hole from Alabama is in my damn parking spot. okay, in our neighborhood you get two parking spots then each section has a guest spot. there is about fifty empty spaces out front but this person thought it would be great fun to park in my spot and they even had the nuts to back in, like they plan to stay for a little bit. wtf? after knocking on some of my neighbors doors I've decided to set up camp in in my reading nook that i've set up in my bay window and when they resurface, i will explain the parking situation around here. and now that I'm on that, two doors down some hookers that have two BMW's have decided that it would be a good idea to use both of their spots with one of the beemers and park the other one in a guest spot. some people just have ball sacks the size of basketballs, but one of them is from new york so that explains a lot about them.

i think i'm going to bed now as not to get anymore ticked off at unsuspecting people......love y'all.

** Chandler is in a new school this year and he went to first of many birthday parties this year. Can I just say that this child's Mommy lacked just plain and simple social skills. There is no way she is from what I like to call 'old Franklin' cause I know her mother would have brought her up a with a couple of manners. She answered the phone on Saturday at one o'clock in the afternoon like a cracked out stripper who just got home from a long nights work. I actually ask if I woker her up, she was all, "Naw, I guess I should be up by now." I had to resist the urge to ask who was watching her children. None of I business is what kept going off in my head. Her house and her appearance weren't much better, but Chandler wanted to stay at the little Indian boys party. I came back after two hours and was ask if he could stay as the father had to run out and get candles. Um, Crackhead bitch, next year come down off the pole a couple of hours early and actually be prepared for your child's party. Get your priorities straight girl. Geez.

** I freaking love, love, love my job with the exception of three people, I'm totally crushing on all of the others. Let me just tell you that it would be no love lose to anyone in there if these three left to explore bigger and better things. All three have shitty attitudes and two of em mumble under their breath about everything that goes on in the room. Girls, can't we just all get along. People with crappy attitudes just get stuck in my craw.....okay?

** Joni and I have locked down our condo rentals for fall vacation. First I got me a killer deal on a two bedroom at killer resort and then I called a owner that I've rented from before and got Joni an even better deal at the same resort. I can't wait for October. Four days and five nights of beach time. I think I should become a travel agent instead of doing payroll. Where do I sign up to be an agent?

** I'm sitting here wondering what the fuck happened between third grade and fourth grade with the homework bullshit. Third grade was a freaking breeze, and now two weeks into fourth grade and the stupid math homework is four pages long. I know that tiny fat girl teacher does not want me up her ass this early in the school year, But damn B, their in the fourth grade not medical school, one page of each subject should get the job done without sending my child into a stressed out episode.

** Omg, I almost forgot the best part, my momma bought me a damn scrap booking Cricut machine for Christmas. It came today and she let me open it to play for a little bit. I swear to you I came a little when my first paper doll came out all cute. For those of you who have no idea what a Cricut does, it's a machine that has different cartridges you can purchase with different things it can cut out for you.....like alphabets, paper dolls, shapes, and it even cuts the vinyl sticker things you can decorate your home with. Joni has a giant toothbrush in her bathroom that says, 'you don't have to brush all your teeth, just the ones you want to keep' my machine can do that without having to pay the man 19.99 for it. Love this machine and my momma.....

So tonight Chan had an assignment for school all about picking an animal and answering questions about how to take care of said animal. Well, he picked a damn bunny. So I sit him across from me at my scrapbook desk and VOD comes into the room, she leans over him and he tells her all about the assignment and that he picked a bunny. Then this went down:

Chan: Meme, you ever have a bunny.

VOD: No, but I've eat a rabbit.

Chan: (blink, blink.) (Then turns into a middle aged woman having a panic attack and dashes up the steps crying.) (After we talk him into coming back down, he runs and jumps on the sofa still crying.) That poor bunny!

VOD: Honey, it wasn't any ones pet, okay. Poppa John always brought home rabbits. So it wasn't some child's pet.

Me: It may not have been their pet, but that bunny was some other bunny's child.

VOD: Tina! You are not helping.

Me: He probably had brothers and sisters that are still out there posting those little missing bunny posters on those little bunny light poles.

After trying some pregnant lady breathing techniques, Chandler finally calmed down long enough to return to the scrap room and got back in his chair.

Me: Chan really, it she actually ate a really dirty stripper bunny, that was strung out on crack, and dated a dirty bunny that rode a motorcycle. So it wasn't so bad.

Chan: Omg, I can't believe she ate a bunny.

Me: Hey, one time she and Poppa John treated me into eating Bambi's daddy.

Chan: Meme! A deer?

VOD: Chandler, you eat chicken. (and by chicken, she meant chicken mcnuggers cause that's the only type of meat we can get him to eat.)

Chan: Momma says nuggers ain't real chicken.

VOD: Okay, it was a rogue bunny that was in a very bad gang who rode the streets terrorizing all the bunnies in town, so he was going to bunny jail anyway.

An hour later, we finally got the stupid paper filled out. Oh, and I got the damn code to my cute breast cancer check card which is black with a giant pink ribbon through it, so girlie and cute. I ran right down to the bank ATM and I was really ready for this shit to not work, so that I could call customer service and throw yet another fit. But it worked like a bitch, and I'm back in business and not having to use cash for everything.

And one more thing, that damn Geico commercial with the stupid ass stack of money that is staring at you singing, "Somebodys watching me." Makes me want to vomit, I'm not sure if something totally traumatic happened to me back in the eighties while that song played but it brings back some creepy memories and it's just a fucking stupid ass commercial. Geico, bring the damn gecko back, at least he was cute, that stack of money is dumb. That is all people, carry on.

Friday night I swear we were in the bed at nine pm. Hold back people, we're are totally party animals.

Saturday morning, we went yard saleing only to find that no one in Frankvegas had one damn thing that we would want. Chandler and I went to the mall at around ten to get my highlights done. He only went to see me get my moustache waxed for some reason Chandler just loves to see me in pain, he really likes it when I scream out, "Kelly Clarkson!"

Then I went for my nails and toes which I love to do, I guess that's a total girl thing.

Oh, I almost forgot that I had to throw a big girl bitch fit in the bank before my hair appointment. Long story short, I reported my check card lost last Saturday, then ten minutes after I ordered a new one, I found mine in my damn makeup compartment of my purse. Any hoo, they sent me a new one, I called to activate it, then tried to use it at the ATM only to be told that my old code was incorrect. WTF?

I waited till they opened at nine and barreled into the bank, then after standing in one line, I was told that I would have to have an officer reset my password. After waiting behind three people who were wanting God knows what, I was told that I'd need to go into an empty office to call customer service because due to the incorrect code being put in, I had to call to let them know it was me. What? I'm standing right here looking at you bitch, you call and tell em I'm me.

The hold time for the call was gonna be eight minutes so I said a few choice words to the bank officer lady and told her that I had an appointment and would have to come back if the person on the phone couldn't help me. When the girl finally answered the phone and after she called me sir twice. I had to speak up, "Okay, first I'm a girl not a sir. And second I need my password reset for the damn check card I got in the mail yesterday." She told me that she would be glad to reset it and it would take five to seven business days to get.

Listen to me very carefully, I scream, "The fuck it will take that long! I need to use the fucker right now! I'm not getting off this phone until you get my shit reset. This is ridiculous. Send somebody a card and then don't send a damn code with it. What? Am I just supposed to guess what the fuck it is?" I know, I would have hung up on me too. But she didn't she just transferred me to the second person of the five I spoke with that morning. The last girl, I was all, "Thanks for nothing." She made sure to tell me to have a good day.

I didn't need to use the card that day but do you know what it's like to have to use cash for everything? Geez, it's sucks. And I feel pretty naked without a checkcard.

Saturday night we went to see 'the perfect getaway' and can I just say, go see this movie it was great and had a great twist that we didn't see coming. It was fabulous.

Sunday I got up and just wanted to spend the day reorganizing my scrapbook room, but Kenny and VOD got me hook on the fourth season of 'hell's kitchen'. First I hate Gordon Ramsey, he is an ass that can't seem to speak one nice word to anyone and he can't complete a sentence without ending it with, 'piss off.' The whole season was on, back to back, so I sat there all damn day today watching this crap. Damn it, if it's not a Lifetime movie it's a stupid reality show. I didn't accomplish one good thing today other than munching on granola, which my mom warns me is good for me which might mean I won't be addicted to it for long......

Before you laugh, this was the summer of 1981 and headbands were totally in then and so was wearing a wife beater over your bikini. I swear I'm not sure where the white teeth went but I do still have this exact hairstyle, funny how shit comes back around. Huh? And my face must not have grown into my face by then.

** The damn headliner in my Mexican hooptie van started to come down beside the passengers door. I'm sorry but I had to get on Craigslist to find a headliner dude to come to our house to replace the damn thing. I call it a Mexican Hooptie, but it really doesn't look like one and I'd like to keep it that way. Now that's 130.00 more dollars that thing has cost me over what I paid for it from the one eared dude. But I came home today and it looks all shiny and new. I love it.

** Chandler started the fourth grade at a school that he's never attended before but I did in the fifth grade. So weird walking into the same building I was learning in at 12 years old. He has a plus size shorty for a teacher but she is so sweet. I just hope she can handle my child's personality, he is me trapped in a ten year old body.

** I tried to hook VOD up with the little older dude that fixed my van, but after she invited him into the house for a beverage and some adult conversation, he mentioned a girlfriend. He called me tonight to tell me that he left some type of sharp ass tool in the back of my van, when I called him back to tell him I found it I said, "dude, you didn't have to leave something behind just to come back over to see my mom, you could have just ask for her number." Mother was mortified but Greg was all, "I'm old fashioned like that."

** I broke down and cleaned out four empty offices in my department this morning. I've been there since October and these offices have been abandoned by the ghosts of employees past and all their creepy old staplers, stress balls, and dead plants. I was filthy and sweaty by eight this morning, but my OCD was in check once again.

** I bribed Travis, who is on my team at work into processing my manual checks again with the promise that I'd buy him some Gigi's cupcakes on Friday. I freaking hate the manual check process but I don't mind bribing someone else to do them for me. Who doesn't love a good cupcake.

** I haven't spend a dime on scrap crap this week, and this is a giant accomplishment for me cause lately I've been buying a boat load of embellishments., Never mind the paper, inks, or albums......I'm a embellishment whore.

** Billie was in the back seat of the Hooptie van when we past an Ethiopian restaurant, she was all, "That's an Ethiopian restaurant? I didn't think those people ate." Yep, I fell out. Some of the stuff that comes out of her mouth cracks my shit up,

** Angelia and I were totally crushing on our twenty year old waiter at Logans today. He looked to be about twelve, I felt all dirty and pedophileish when we left. He was hhhhoooottttt!

** I started using moisturizer at night. Yeah, I've never used any products on my face before other than washing it in the shower. That is until I had to have a giant knob removed from my cheek earlier this year, now I'm all trying to take better care of my skin. Hope it's not too late.

** I've decided to only eat salads for lunch from this point forward. I'm not a giant salad fan, but I'm really tired of being all bloated when we get back from lunch each day. So I figure this has to be a lot healthier for me and I might shed a couple pounds by doing it. I'll let you know how long I can hold out.

** Tomorrow afternoon I'm headed to the mall to have my hair highlight touch up, I always love coming out of there all blond and cute. Note to self, have her wax Billy D Williams stash off to.

Would the peeps that are logging on from Surgical Development Partners in Spring Hill, TN and Northeast Louisiana University in Monroe, LA please stand up and let me know who you are. You guys are two of my biggest fans and you never comment. So what's up with that? And Spring Hill, we're neighbors I really should get to know you.

It's really easy to do, you just set up a free account and then you can leave me some sweet messages. Next week I'll pull two more people out the closet for not commenting. Don't be shy, I'm really a lot of fun once you get to know me.

Just ask all my other peeps.....everyone tell them how totally fabulous I am....

I've been sucking lately where blogging is concerned. I'm not sure if it's cause I don't have the time due to scrapping, I don't have a lot to say anymore, or cause all the bitches that read me don't comment. So sometimes I figure why bother. VOD feels the same damn way about Facebook she was all up one Sunday morning cleaning the kitchen at the butt crack cause she had laid in the bed all night being pissed off cause no one ever talks to her or comments back on Facebook. My suggestion was to block everyone that doesn't talk to her but she felt like like they wouldn't care if she did that. Okay? Who cares block they ass anyway.
So before I get on with my list I should tell you that Chandler got his first cell phone on Saturday and he started the fourth grade today. Course I forgot to tell them that he goes by Chandler when registering him this year and they put his first name on his locker which he was totally excited about having even though it had a dorky name on it. I hate that he's growing up so fast cause I already miss him being 2 years old and a sweetheart. Now you're lucky if you get a hug and a kiss.
Oh and last night how about little dude has come into my bedroom at 12:45 am all telling me that he can't go to sleep and can he get in the bed with us. Um, I think I remember instilling in my child ever since he could talk that we never wake Mommie unless you are bleeding or the house is on fire. Kind of goes right a long with don't call my house past 8:00 pm unless someone is dead. Yeah, evidently he forgot who he was dealing with, I ended up trying to squish my fat ass into his full size with him and his kazillion animal pillows, you haven't live until you've slept holding a giant fluffy frog and giant between your legs.
Needless to say, that I hardly got any sleep after that shit took place......he better not come into my room tonight cause I've already warned Kenny that he was gonna get booted to Chandlers bed and little man would be getting in my bed. Poor Kenny.
Now onto my Thirteen Thursday list.......

** What is the sexiest part of the body? I’d say the eyes and the smile.
** If you owned your own restaurant, what would you call it? I’d have a cupcake business, double the icing on each, and call it Bite me Gigi.
** If you kissed a frog, who would you like it to turn into? Ryan Reynolds, Dwayne Johnson, or Patrick Dempsey.
** Where is your ideal place/location to have a wedding? Durrrrr, the beach. My next wedding will most definitely be on a beach.
** Do you trust anyone to protect you? Who, and why? I’ve found recently that it really is every man for himself’. I used to run to my Dad but clearly it’s time to move on.
** If you were to name the difference between the male soul and the female soul, what would it be? The difference is that the male soul has a dick that they view as their best friend and believe me it always get in the way. The woman soul wants a man to sweep her off her feet and to love her forever.
** If you were stuck in a room for an hour with a chalk board, what would you draw on it? Naked stick people performing lude acts.
** What would you take from your house if you knew it would be flooded tomorrow?All my scrapbooks which weigh a shit ton.
** What is one item in your house that you should really throw out but probably never will? My old prom dresses, but in my defense I did make pillows out of the bodice part and they are totally cute. I have three, white, lavender, and dark green.
** List three foods you can’t stand: seafood, meatloaf, and squash.
** What's the wackiest belief you held as a child? That you could get pregnant from kissing.
** If you could change the custom of shaking hands, what would you replace it with? Hugging.
** How do you feel about public displays of affection? As long as nipple or a ball aren't showing then it’s all good.

Okay, I've been watching the big girl version of the bachelor. I love it, but if I have to listen to one more of these giant bitches cry about how they never had a date and they were always the last one picked for some shit. I almost threw up in my mouth a little bit at one point.

I have already picked my girl, I think he is gonna pick Malissa, she's blond with huge boobs and she is very sweet. Then theres the cougar woman who is 37 and big dude is 27. Then theres the tattle tale girl with the horrible attitude named Lauren, he needs to kick this bitch to the curb tonight. Theres one girl that has cried for the entire first two shows I actually found myself yelling at the TV, "please shut the fuck up with the crying! You're making my ears bleed."

Of course, now we're having a suck ass storm and all the lights just went out, but my baby computer is still kicking ass. Omg, cable is out and I may not be able to see who he kicks off tonight. And can I just say that one one of the group dates the girls had on swimsuits, and why didn't these girls friends and family tell them to always pick a damn suit with a skirt to hide your fat. Next week their all going to prom with Luke, I can't wait.....love it.

I'm making VOD watch it with me, but it's killing her cause she just thinks that all men want to do is stick somebody, so she doesn't believe that a man could really love a bitch. It's fun to watch her hate on a show so badly.