Big Cute Beach Girl

Yep, I had my friend Billie at work drink my scrap booking kool-aid and come to my house yesterday for a scrap booking tutorial. She did great but soon after I gave her the pointer to not use a freakin butt gob load of adhesive on your pages, I went to pull something up for her and this bitch had done taken adhesive and just roll it all the way across a 12 inch page. I could have killed her. Okay? Adhesive is not inexpensive by any means and we were using my scrap crap. All in all we had a great time and yes I don't have any makeup on this photo so I'm a little concerned that I'm posting it on the Internet.

Joni also came over last night to have me set her up on Facebook. I didn't even think there was anyone that didn't have one of those. While I was on there updating her, a boy I used to babysit hit me up on instant message. He hadn't uploaded a photo yet, so he just had that creepy dude blue head that make you seem a lot like a serial killer. I promptly told him to please upload a photo as not to creep me out. I have to tell you that Joni has like 25698523 friends and she spent the next two hours adding friends to her page. I didn't get in the bed till 11:30 due to her networking and if you know me that's almost unheard of for me.

Kenny and I went to see 'The Naked Truth' and can I just say that it was hysterical and very true. Dudes are visual creatures and the only good way to keep one interested for life is to make out with his ding dong every once in a while. Whatever, not me. I don't do that to Kenny and he's still around. The movie is great for a laugh and it is absolutely worth the money.

Chandler got his fingernails and his toenails trimmed by a little girl at 'Hank the nail dudes' shop today and he is hooked for life. He was all sitting up in the chair just grinning and admiring his sweet toes. Very funny.

Oh, and Joni I know you didn't want me to blog about this but I'm sorry Boo you know I have to.....so we get in her car to go pick up dinner last night and I was gonna drive due to the fact that she makes me more nervous than a hooker in church when she drives around Frankvegas. As I turned the car on she was all, "You have to just put your seat belt on for a split second so that they think you're gonna wear it, then you can take it off." Blink, blink, blink......I was all, "Who's they?" She came back with, "The car people. It will ding at you if you don't just click it for a second to make them think you're gonna wear it." Then we both busted out laughing......I did indeed fool the 'car people' by clicking it, then taking it off......Omg, good weekend people, good weekend.

I'm sorry but this question just has to be ask, "How bad does your career have to be going for you to go on nationwide television talking to some bitches about their doodoo schedule?" VOD says they must be paying her a shit load of money.

You know what? It doesn't matter how much they are paying her, I lost my virginity watching a movie starring her running from a creepy, mask wearing, machete toting, dude chased her around her neighborhood in her bra and panties. Now my memory of her is not going to be a happy one, it's gonna be that she's a little bit obsessive over some shitting. Geez, Jamie you're way to good to be chatting up some shit with some ladies. And now that I've said that, why don't they have a doodoo stimulating yogurt for men? I mean do dudes never have constipation, do they all shit daily? I think not. Dannon, don't discriminate against the man folk.

Second, that skinny tool named Ronnie on Big Brother 11, is a total waste of space as far as I'm concerned. As if all of his stupid nerd skimming and back stabbing wasn't bad enough, tonight I found out that he is actually married. Um, I'm sorry but Ronnie, does yo wife have a dick? Cause I'm betting a years salary that either she really does have one or shes a giant fag hag (and I can say this cause I've been a fag hag a couple times in my life. Love my queens.) I think we could just call it a marriage of convenience. I mean he nearly busted out crying over a DVD of Legally Blond the Musical and a bubble wand. Ronnie, go home and let your wife know that you are living a big fat lie. That way she has a chance at a normal life.

And don't even get me started on Shima, I can't stand to look at her for much longer. Not only does she laugh at her own jokes and she has two giant polyps for lips, but she just has an ugly attitude. I just want to walk up to her and kick her in her crotch every time she opens her cave, I mean mouth.

Damn, I sound angry tonight, don't I? I'm not, I'm perfectly delightful but these were two issues I just had to get off my chest. Oh and one more thing, stripper poles on 'dance your ass off'? That is just wrong on a gazillion levels. I mean if the sleazy outfits didn't leave you with your mouth gaping open in disbelief, watching them maneuver a pole sure will. BIG PEOPLE HAVE NO BUSINESS TRYING TO DANCE ON A STRIPPER POLE....JUST SAY NO TO DUMB SUGGESTIONS PEOPLE. (and I can say this cause I am fat and think my people should just know better.)

That is all people, carry on. Peace out....

Couple of things today, first when did McDonald decided that I wanted to spend my child's college fund on a fucking meal deal? Yeah, a number 12 with a small shake as the drink is 6.99. I turned to Chandler and said, "Just so you know, you will never order this shit again. I just went to Wendys and got three burgers, one fry, and one chili for 5.95 to feed three of us. I'm paying a whole dollar more than that on ten nuggets, one fry, and a small shake to feed just you? Not gonna happen again. You're ten and you will have a happy meal from this point forward." Geez, McDonalds has gone a little McStupid on their McOutrageous Mcfucking prices. God please keep me from crawling out this window and into the drive thru window to shove this 7.00 dollars down this girls throat. I think I'll give them a Walmart bag with 700 pennies in it if there ever is a next time. Count those bitches.

And second, I paid 2.00 dollars for a Nintendo 64 at a garage sale on Saturday. That was for the system, one controller, and four games. As soon as I got in the door with it, my stepson is all, "Omg, you should totally go get Super Smash Brothers for this, is so fun!" Now the only place that's even close to Frankvegas is a place in downtown Nashville, so here we go at 8:00 pm Saturday night to the Great Escape. And no, it's not actually a great escape. It's a dive where they give you a quarter for your preowned DVD and then they resell it for 10.00 making a 9.75 dollar profit. Ass jockeys.

I called first to make sure that they had the games for that ancient system, and the boy is all, "Oh yeah, we got four boxes full of em and they start at 2.00." Omg, I nearly shot a wad at that news. But 26 seconds in the door dried me right up, when I took a look in the box, spotted the game Kris wanted, turned it over and eyeballed the price of 24.99. Whaaaattttttt thhheeeee fucccccckkkkkk! Are they kidding right now?

That totally goes against everything I believe in, I spent 2.00 on the system and then 48.00 for two games and another controller. Kris was all, "Please I never ask for anything." Oh really, then can I take it off yo mommas 400.00 child support payment next week? I think he's not quite gasping the fact that we help support that 15 year old, eating you out of house and home, child. I've never seen anyone who can eat like this teenage boy. She's gonna have to start sending some food with him on his weekends.

So after I had a mini coronary in the store I finally handed over my check card even though it went against my religion to do so.

My next beach vacation isn't until October but I'm not sure I'm gonna make it till then without killing somebody that works either in a store or a fast food restaurant.

But on the upside I've been talking to my cousin Cindy who is apparently married to a filthy rent man that never works and owns a house on the beach in Texas, so we have a killer 6 bedroom house to stay in for free that sits smack dab on the damn beach. Now I'm starting to wonder why I haven't been talking to her all my life. She tried to tell me about the 600 acres in the upper part of Mississippi that they have a cabin on and that they rent out to hunters. Okay, I didn't hear anything past cabin, blah, blah, blah, hunters, blah, blah, blah......um, Cindy I don't do any activities that involve outdoors and or a gun, but thanks.

Ah, 1995 was a good year to go to Vegas....yes, what happens in Vegas should always stay in Vegas especially if you didn't get arrested for it. And we didn't...

** "Yeah, he probably was sleeping till you shoved him in a garbage bag and suffocated him." - (Um, this was about Holly's dog that I discovered lying in the road after some crotch jockey ran him over and drove off. I was trying to console Holly the next day after she bury 'puppy' by telling her that he really didn't have any injuries that we could tell, he just looked like he was sleeping, then VOD let this shit fly out of her pie hole.)

** "Really? Did he drop it while he was trying to get his pants off?" - The Comcast set up dude was at our house for over four hours setting up comcast in four rooms and internet? Yeah, he was really trying to touch my moms titties. She said he dropped a brochure and two plastic baggie things while he was on his way up the steps so I figure he must have been running up while yanking his pants down. She swear she didn't touch his cable.

** "A placebo? That's what comes out after you have a baby." - Omg, I had to take a deep breath before blurting out, "Um, that would be a placenta!" It was that statement alone that made me want to start funniest things said again. They had mention this term on the show 'House' and I ask what one was, this was Einstein....I mean VOD came back with.

** "No, not you, if he were to see you naked, he would never come back from that." - We were thinking of sitting in the living room naked to surprise our little midget five year neighbor who keeps barreling into our house to ask if Chandler can come out to play. We've decided that if he were to see my moms twin sand bag girls, he will most likely never recover.

** "Okay when you say hairy back, are you talking Chewbacca hairy or just a few hairs? Cause I can't do the whole fur coat hairy back thing." - This was a guy that owns a restaurant that we go to every week, I hugged him and scratched my hands down his back, dude came unglued and said, "I'm ticklish cause I got a hairy back." He finally pulled up his sleeve to his shoulder to show us that he was indeed Snufflupagus back there.

** "They determined that Michael Jacksons death was cause by food poisoning. The last thing he ate was a nine year old wiener." - Kenny never says anything funny, so this made me spew water all over him. One of the truck drivers at work told him this one and he just said it like it was the truth, not in a joke telling way at all. So funny.

Number 1: We had a yard sale this morning cause what better to do on a holiday weekend while you're off than to sit and put up with trying to 'chew' you down. (yep, chew you down is some shit Kenny said. He actually thought that's what the expression was......he's just for looks.)
We opened our sale at 7:00 am and at 7:01 I was mentally beggin this Mexican dude to get out of my yard with this 'will you take less for it?' ass. Omg, dude it's a dollar! If you don't have a dollar, do not go to a yard sale. Oh, and don't even get me started on the lady who took a good ten minutes to take some seat warmer massager thing out of the box to examine it.....okay, it's two bucks it's not a damn car that you have to finagle the salesman on. Shit! But on the upside we did get to see a radical mullet on this one fat guy.....so great, we totally couldn't stop staring at him. I was in such awe of it that I didn't think to pick up my damn camera to take a photo.
Number 2: 'Dance your ass off', what the hell were they thinking with this show? Don't get me wrong, I'm all about some fat girls getting some face time on TV, but they have stuffed them into these creepy, tight, hooker wear, that I'm not sure would look good on a skinny chick, much less someone with a lot of extra weight. Put some fucking clothes on these people before you let them dance, I think you'd get a lot more exposure (no pun intended.)......geez.
I mean I know that everyone in America is sitting in their living room spewing liquids all over their carpet while laughing hysterically at these poor people. And I pray to the Baby Jesus that they aren't gonna spend every show dancing hip hop, you can only watch so much hip hop dance before wanting to stab a pencil into your eye.......I'm just saying. I can't hardly wait for the fat girl version of the Bachelor.
Number 3: This five year old child that we just met like two days ago and who just happens to live next door to us has actually just walked into our house tonight without knocking. Wtf? What if I was naked when he decided to do that? That's some shit that he would never have come back from, okay? "Ma'am why hasn't your son spoken in 25 years?" Well, he saw this fat chick completely naked at 5 and never recovered.
I really need to set up a pow wow with this mom about the importance of knocking on someones door before barreling into their home.