Big Cute Beach Girl

This is a photo of me at my wedding reception, I think Kenny might have been trying to get my garter off with his teeth, but it tickled and I couldn't stop laughing....here we go.

** Do you have any unusual collections? I only collect seashells now. I have some really cool ones.

** Do you screen your phone calls? Not so much, I do not answer ‘restricted’ calls.

** Do you talk to yourself? Yes. I don’t think I’m quite as funny as everyone else does though.

** If I was a car, I'd be: a pink Hummer. (No pun intended.)

** If I was a drink, I'd be: a pink pantie pull down, sweet with a edge. (Again, no pun intended.)

** If I was emotion, I'd be: happy.

** If you were a Survivor contestant, what would be your luxury item? My MP3 player. I can escape to anywhere just by listening to the right song.

** Can we truly love someone who loves another? Sure. It sucks asses,but it can be done.

** What's your most treasured piece of jewelry? Why? All three of my Pandora bracelets cause it has charms to represent everyone in my life. Crap, I’m a Hallmark card.

** Are you a window person or an aisle person? Why? Window, so I can see the ground the plane will go crashing to.

** If you had to marry someone that you presently know unromantically, and spend the rest of your life as their spouse, who would you choose? Joni. What? You didn’t say it had to be a man.

** What is the most important thing in any relationship? Being able to tolerate being in their presence for long periods of time.

** Every person you have ever slept with is invited to a banquet where you are the guest of honor. No one will be in attendance except you, the collection of your former lovers, and the catering service. After the meal, you are asked to give a fifteen-minute speech to the assembly.What do you talk about? Omg, I’m speechless. I got nothing. It's not easy to stump me, but I'm at a lose for words right now. Damn it, I hate when that happens.

Okay first, for my birthday my mom sent about 75 big square photo negatives that I've been holding since my childhood, to California to have them developed for me. So we get them back in a week or so later and while filing from them we find this photo. I'm all "Who are 'Children of the Corn' kids?" To which my mom annouces that she's never seen these kids before in her life. It's the third on from the right that has my attention, she is all looking at the camera dude like, "Yeah, I'm the chick from The Exorcist and I'm fixin to spew pea soup on you, then my head is gonna spin around right before I kill you with my creepy Satan stare." Then again the shadow of the person taking the photo that's plastered all over their chests looks sort of like the Devil himself with a beak and a weird turkey haircut. Maybe these are his babies, but how did they get into my photos? Awkward.

** I'm gonna start on Chasity Bono, why the hell would she want to lose that beautiful name?! And I'm not totally sure but I think she is wanting the surgery to turn her hoohoo into a wiener. Um, Chase (as you want to be called.) you a big girl, the first think you need to do is get yo momma to pay for gastric bypass and some hair extensions cause believe me, you'd get a lot more bitches to play with your new wiener if you were a little bit smaller with longer hair. Right now you resemble a small car with a buzz cut.
** Next I've been watching this new show called, "Obsessed" on A&E. These people that they have put on this show are tore up. I've only seen a couple of them so far and let me run down the list for you. One guy was a germaphobic who's house only housed white things, no rugs and or blankets, one girl was still tripping over her daddy dying in a car wreck, the hospital made the mistake of giving her the cut up bloody clothes he was wearing when he died and she couldn't stop putting them on her body.....I know, ewwww. Then the second show had a bitch that was creeped out over her mom's hands, if the mom was in her presence she had to have her hands folded together, the girl also couldn't stand for the mother to touch her or anything else lightly, nor could she deal with the mom making a 'k' sound....like using the words, walk, park, clean, close. Oh yeah, she's a nut job. And lastly this pudgy Mexican girl was just sitting in the library one day when she suddenly started to look around at the other people in there while thinking, 'any one of them could kill me at any moment.' These thoughts consumed her not to mention that fact that when she was in a car and a pedestrian walked in front of her she had to resist the urge to step on the gas and run the person down. I mean there's not been one person on this show that I didn't want to just walk up to, slap them across the face, and scream, 'KNOCK IT OFF!' Good TV though.
** A new girl started at work last Monday and can I just say that I'm totally crushing on her, no in a sexual way mind you but she is the bomb. Her name is Angelia and we have a buttload of crap in common so I look forward to getting to know her. Now I just have to find a way to get her to drink my scrapbooking and yard saleing Kool Aid she'd be what I call the total package.
** My child just might not make it to see his 10th birthday which is next week cause he has parked a Winnebago on my last damn fat girl nerve and he refuses to back off. Kenny and I were trying to watch 'ET' with him on Sunday and he was playing his DS while attempting to watch the movie, but then out of no where he just starts singing about somebodys front porch and sitting on it and eating watermelon.......it went on for a couple of minutes before I had to scream at him and point out to him that he doesn't pull that crap with VOD when their alone together, but as soon as I walk in the door he turns into a spazz. So Chandler, "KNOCK IT OFF!" before I have to beat your tiny ass.

** I was bored the other night while sitting in bed playing on my mini laptop when I decided to go check out the men for men section of Craigslist. Can I just say that men are creepy dirty people who just want someone to look at their junk. I would say that 80 percent of the ads had a photo of some mans twig and two berries. Why ya'll got to be taking photos of your shit? No one want to see it, well except the serial killer that will enviably come to meet you and who will cut your junk off to place in his freezer for a future meal.......As luck would have it, the woman for woman didn't have any photos cause woman don't like to post pictures of their wooyahs all over the Internet. Men are gross.

** What is the last song that was stuck in your head and how did you get rid of it? Hoedown throw down, damn that Miley Cyrus.

** Imagine you're packing a picnic lunch. What would be in your basket? Bologna sandwiches, Cheese Puffs, and Ding Dongs. Don’t say it.

** What's the best summer job you ever had? At 16, I babysat for these two boys; their mom let me drive her Peugeot all over town. I took them to the local country club swimming pool everyday. And I made 100.00 dollars a week doing it, in 1980 that was a lot of money for a teenager. Love that job.

** If you promised to never lie again in your lifetime, in what area would it be hardest to uphold the promise? The area where some ask, "do you like my new haircut?" or "do these pants make me look fat?" I would have to resist the urge to scream, "bitch yes, they make you look fat cause you are fat. All of your pants make you look fat."

** Would you rather be a pirate or a prince/princess? Omg, Princess hands down.

** When you're lost, do you ask for directions? Yes, because I have a vagina and I do not want it getting raped.
** Of all your favorite foods, which one would you find the most difficult to give up for the rest of your life? Gigi’s Cupcakes and omg, did you hear Krispy Kremes might go out of business? Wtf?

** How often do you get your haircut? Describe your worst haircut. I don’t have it cut that often cause it’s growing out and my worst one is from the 2nd grade when my mom chopped my shit off with some dull scissors.

** If you were reincarnated as some other plant or animal, what would it be? I’d like to be a cat cause they don’t do shit but lie around all day, play with some string, and eat. What could be better than that?

** If you had to give yourself a nickname what would it be? Peaches or Baby girl both nicknames that former friends called me and I didn’t mind being called those. Course, my husband calls me ‘kitten’ or ‘my little beach bunny’. Yeah, I know….I just threw up in my mouth a little too.
** Do good things come to those who wait? If they do, I’ve never seen it. Nor have I seen bad people get their day in Hell either.

** What three things you regret not learning to do? Cook, play the piano, and ballroom dance.
** How old were you when you learned to tie your shoes? I so don’t remember that. I do know that I tie backwards from everyone else. Thanks Dad.

** Who do you think you are? I think I’m the girl that makes everyone laugh and I’m the girl that will leave an impression on you for life whether it be a bad one or a great one.

Summer, I didn't stop blogging just sort of lost interest in it for a minute....I'll try to do better.

** Pop tarts and ice cream are my new fat girl favorite dessert. Yep, stupid Pop tart cartoon commercial of some kids making ice cream sandwiches with two tarts and some ice cream has got my fat ass hooked on that shit. Crap!

** Bought a third vehicle and decided to get one off Craigslist. Yep, bought a van from this family even after they told me that the steering fluid had just started leaking. Cost my dumb ass 540.00 dollars on top of the money I spent to purchase the damn Mexican Hoopie Van. I do love it though, I drive it a couple of days a week just so it's not just sitting and the other days I drive my Cruiser. Love, love, love the Hooptie Van.

** Have decided to spend every Saturday and Sunday at the pool, I pay a pretty penny to live in this subdivision and we should be utilizing the pool. I mean I pack a cooler with snacks and drink. Take my umbrella and set up camp right at the waters edge, I'm tan as a bitch and I'm relaxed as a bitch. Best thing I've ever done for myself.
** My knee is finally to the point where it doesn't hurt every day. Damn that shit only took a year. It will be a year ago July 1st that I nailed a double fat girl tuck and flip out fall at work and it's been the worse freaking injury I've ever had in my life.

** My facial scar where I had Suzie Cyst removed actually has heal all cute and it looks like a dimple on my right cheek, When I smile it looks exactly like a laugh line that was meant to be there all along.

** We were entertaining the idea of renting a historic home from a lady that at first meeting seemed really nice and the house had a lot of charm. Course that is once you got past the fact that it didn't have a dishwasher, a garbage disposal, ice maker, and only one bathroom. Wtf? This would have been like living on Little House on the Prairie only without hot ass Micheal Landon sleeping there. I backed out after I called her to tell her that the stove tried to kill Kenny by shooting sparks of fire out the back at him while he was on the floor trying to clean the baseboards and she was all, "Um, I'll send Sears out to check it out. I was all, "They are coming out to bring a new stove and take this crapping one to the dump, right?" She actually told me that she would have to think about buying a new one and get back with me. Oh no you don't, I cancelled our verbal agreement right there on the spot. Thank God I hadn't signed a lease with the Slum Lord Lady. It also didn't help that my coworker found a shit bucket load of these light orbs in the photos that I had taken of the house and we all know just how I feel about fuckig freaky light orb or ghosts of any kind. Yeah someone was all, "Girl that house was built in 1930? You know somebody died there." That closed the deal for me. I don't do ghost. Clearly have seen way too many scary movies.

** Janice Dickinson from 'I'm a celebrity, get me out of here' is a cracked out skank whore with a huge mouth. I mean she is a total waste of space on earth. I can't freaking stand to listen to her annoying ass voice any longer. And her face doesn't do much for me either. I can't stand that woman. I need to go to church.
** I put a washer and dryer on Craigslist this morning, and they sold in 7 minutes. Course then I got 567 calls for the rest of the day before I found the time to go back on there and delete my ad. My Adirondack chairs sold in 11 minutes then the guy came out and tried his damn

est to get me to take less for them. Um, sorry dry humper it's not gonna happen, I freaking love Craigslist....where else can you find a job, a man, a dog, a house, a hooptie van, and a sectional? No where but there bitches.

** I also put 18 of my big girl tops on Ebay yesterday. I'm so hooked on that shit now. My mom has created a monster. I love having people bid on my stuff. Love, love, love it.

So my nephew who is about 24 years old and who can't seem to hold down a job unless he needs money to buy weed. Yeah, I know right? So sad.

So, I found out today that he is now dating a 36 year old road dog woman who lives in the town trailer park.....I knew this was a big problem for his step mom Stephanie and my brother Jerome so I thought I'd call Stephanie at work today just to scare the bejesus out of her.....

She works at my orthopedic surgeon office and you should know that normally I have a sort of manly deep voice, but for this call I put on my best and most southern girl voice, even when I starting talking vulgar.

Steph: Frankvegas Orthopedics, can I help you?

Me: Yes, is Stephanie Martin in?

Steph: This is she.

Me: Mrs Martin, I'm a deputy at the sheriffs department and we have a Marshall Martin down here.

Steph: What!

Me: Yes, ma'am, we brought him in due to a domestic violence call we got this morning and when the officers got there he become really aggressive and violent. So we had no other choice but to arrest him.

Steph: On the domestic violence thing?

Me: Oh no ma'am as it turns out he wasn't beating her, he was just fucking her.

Steph: (blink, blink.) He was doing WHAT!?

Me: Oh yes ma'am, he was fucking her.

Steph: (blink, blink. Now at this point I couldn't hold it back anymore I freaking busted out laughing to the point I might have peed a little in Tanya's car seat.) Who is this!?

Me: It's Tina. Omg, girl you should have heard yourself when you ask me what they were doing,,,,,,,Bah, ha, ha, ha, ha.

Steph: That is no funny at all. I mean it's not one bit funny. I was about to cuss your ass out for calling me at work and talking in that fashion. And all I kept thinking was, 'this will just kill Jerome'.

Me: Well, you can relax Marshall hasn't actually hit rock bottom yet. But I'm sure it's coming.

Omg, it was hysterical. I mean this girl lives to play jokes on others and she's just mad that I got one over on her. I love my live and my damn family......their great.