Big Cute Beach Girl

Yeah bitches....it's up already.

Omg. this is my yard sale tree that I freakin dug back from Mt. Morgan, AL. And can I just say that it's the best 25.00 dollars I've ever spent.

And this year mom and I compromised on the decor and went with a pink beach theme. I love the beach and she needed some color....so what better color than pink.

Course I'll be beating the damn UPS dude down for ruining my mom Christmas surprise for mom. Yeah, he put a note on our door saying that he would deliver the TV this afternoon. WTF? She called me all upset cause she can't afford to spend that type of money on us.....um, okay but I don't wash you clothes, take care of your child, or cook all your meals either so shut up and enjoy that fact that we have jobs and can get it for you.

I also scored a mini Acer computer for Chandler today to.....so I'm Christmas fabulous. Now I have to think of something for Kenny. Peace out.

what the hell?

6:38:00 PM Edit This 5 Comments »

so today I'm at work minding my own damn business and that of all the people's paychecks I'm in charge of when hot husband calls me to tell me that he has shattered the damn screen on his mobile phone. the very mobile phone that i purchased for him not two months ago cause he had busted the damn screen on his old one. i was really just glad that he didn't shattered the car of his legs. note to self, run by Verizon and get me a stylish new cute phone and give Kenny my old phone.

then not an hour later my off spring calls me from my moms mobile to say, "omg mom, everybody at school has these bracelets that turn into a animal when you talk them off and i really have to have some! please, can we go get some tonight? i have to have them, I'm the only one that doesn't have any. please? you're the best mother ever!" oh yeah, he's got my number.

so I'm all picturing this cute little furry slap bracelets that have an animal head on one end and can i just say that i was way off. course so was chandler, when he told me they were one dollar for a pack of twelve.

i spent the last thirty minutes of work calling every specialty toy store and parent-teacher store in Franklin only to be told that, 'we're sold out, we'll have another shipment in a few days.' what?

i finally found one store with 24 boxes of them, but of course they couldn't hold me one as every bitch in Franklin was calling to get them, so it was first come, first serve. i nearly killed 4758 people on the interstate rushing to get the one thing my child didn't have just so he wouldn't feel left out.

i get there only to find out that they are in these cute little Chinese plastic cases and their full of brightly colored animal shaped rubber bands. no, I'm not shittin you......and they were at the low, low price of 8.99 a box of about 20. um, dude am i gonna get to see someone naked and the rubber bands for that price? shit! yes, i just threw down 19.86 of my hard earned money for some fucking tiny ass neon animal shaped rubber fucking bands.

but my child was totally stoked that I'm such a fabulous mom and i got a cute phone to boot.....oh, and after he sat there and put all of those bracelets on his arm he actually turned to me and said, 'i don't like the rubber feel of em.' I'm home schooling that little street urchin starting tomorrow.

then i walked in the door and handed Kenny my old phone and he actually had the giant balls to say, 'where's my new phone, my birthday was yesterday and i should get a new phone.' fucker you should just be glad that you have a phone that doesn't have a shattered screen just like your last two phones.....one of these days, Assjacket.....straight to the moon.

pumpkinfest 2009

2:43:00 PM Edit This 4 Comments »

Our small town has a cute little thing downtown on Halloween called Pumpkinfest each year. Can I just say that the Franklin Heritage Foundation is gonna hear from me tomorrow morning.

I didn't complain last year but this year it's gonna be hard for me to zjp it. This festival attracts around 6000 people to main street each year and the businesses and vendors that are down there are reaping the benefits of that crap.

Over half the businesses and vendors that were there this year couldn't be bothered to buy a couple bags of candy to pass out to the kids. I mean what kind of decent bitch can stand there an tell a bazillion kids that are dressed all cute that, 'We don't have any candy.' I told one woman, "I hope you enjoy saying that cause you got a long day of ahead." This was at one of the stores that had a sofa table made out of seashells that was on sale for 3000.00 dollars. What? You sell shit for that much? And you can't afford to shell out some candy one day a year? You

going straight to hell ho.

And while I'm bitching at you, don't place the Pumpkinfest flyer in your business window that specifically states that there will be trick or treating if you're not gonna pass out candy.

Then as if that wasn't fun enough, we took Chandler to 5th avenue which is lined with historical homes that were built in the 1800's. It was awesome other than the 47859 Mexicans that were dressed up like tiny hookers and the woman than told Chandler that he couldn't have a twirling light up ring cause, 'oh, these are only for the little ones.' What! Girl you should be totally glad that my child isn't old enough to roll your historical yard, soap your historical windows, or egg your historical car.

Believe it or not, my little man did have a great time dressed as Clark Kent and he scored a ridiculous amount of candy.

13 things Chandler and Kendall did.....

5:58:00 PM Edit This 3 Comments »

On vacation that should have gotten them an ass whopping….

** Kendall poking Kenny in the jaw - Okay, Kenny had the privilege of sitting next to Kendall during the ride and every time he would fall asleep, Kendall would poke him in the jaw with three of his little digits hard enough to scare the be Jesus out to Kenny. I think his butt scrunched up a couple times.
** Chandler answering "No." – It got to a point where every time Kendall would call his name, Chandler would just say, "No."
** Beating each other down to be the first to push the damn floor button on the elevator – I mean how much pleasure can one person get from pushing that fucking button? I mean do they aspire to doormen?
** Chandler being on high alert so that Kendall could not ‘copy’ him – He made sure to order this drink with a whisper to our waitress so that Kendall couldn’t ‘copy’ him. Then I wanted to beat my child for even caring that someone thought enough of them to want to copy them. He didn't get it.
** Kendall nearly falling off the eighth floor balcony – Okay, this didn’t really happen but, Joni went next door for something and we were all in the kitchen when we hear one of the balcony chairs hit the glass door. Now in my head, Kendall had gotten his punk 5 year old ass up in that chair, leaned over the side, and had fallen to his child death which resulted in my screaming his name at the top of my lungs. This child came back in that door with a ‘what the fuck are you screaming my name for lady?’ look on his face. Then I yelled at him that Kenny ask him not to go out on the balcony alone but he ‘wanted to’ was how he put it.
** Chandler throwing a bitch girl fit – Kendall had accidentally erased the memory on one of Chandlers DS games and you would have thought that he caught dude sleeping with his woman. Okay? The world will never be the same now that that game has been erased. Lord have mercy, glory be.
** Kendall giggling like Ernie from Sesame Street – Okay, about a mile from the house on the way home, I realized that Mom and Kenny didn’t bring their key sets with them, so our house key was with Tanya at work in Nashville. So I called her and we had to unload the hooptie van in from of our house and wait. When Kendall saw how upset we all were he decided to go into an Ernie giggle fit and then absolutely refused to stop laughing. Then some neighbor kid came by to ask if we were having a yard sale, in his defense I did have a eight foot Christmas tree sitting out there that I picked up at someones sale at the beach.
** Kendall not saying ‘I’m sorry’ – Okay, he said something really crazy to me in my bathroom but when his mom ask if he’d said, "I’m sorry." His reply was, "I did in my heart, but she didn’t hear it." Then this lead to Kendall and I having a 30 minute argument over that fact that he has to say the words out loud for it to count. It ended with me sitting him in front of me and saying, "Do not let any other words exit your face other than the words, "I’m sorry." This took several attempts but he finally got it right.
** Them competing for the ‘best’ title of fucking everything. – I mean who cares who can walk faster, or pee faster, or run faster, or eat a hot dog the quickest, or who's feet smell better, or who can find the most shells, or dig the deepest hole. I was right before digging the deepest hole and putting both their trifling baby asses in it. Then just acting like they came up missing.
** Them running amok on the beach during our first beach family photo – It was like the sand was kiddie crack and these two were addicts from way back. They freaking took off running and falling over in the sand which resulted in Kendall filling his hair full of sand. And he's got black people hair so it sticks.
** Kendall taking his fist and cold cocking Chandler in his wedding tackle – Omg, I saw this happening but it was like it was in slow motion and I couldn’t stop it before the blunt force trauma to my child’s pebbles happened. Chandler feel over, then once he regained his composure, jumped up, screamed, "He is evil and I hate him!", then tried to take off up the boardwalk back to the condo. Um, I had to stop him by saying but I didn’t get my family beach photo yet. Priorities people. Photos trump balls any day.
** Chandler finding his brute strength and hurling Kendall down the beach – About five minutes after the ball incident we were standing out on the beach talking to a couple and we see Kendall literally go falling past us through the air and landing on his shoulder. I mean he flew by so fast that Joni’s hair moved. Okay? Turn about is fair play I guess…
** Kendall commenting that the van smelled like old people. - I tried to ignore the comment in hopes that no one heard it, but it was too late. My mom had already heard it with her super bionic old people ears. I'm not sure what he was smelling cause I sniffed her up and down and I didn't smell any Rose Milk lotion or Ben Gay. She smells pretty normal to me.

day three....

7:06:00 AM Edit This 1 Comment »

my family is three shades of color.....kenny tans like a biscuit in a day, i look like a giant lobster, and chandler looks like vampire boy what with all his 2 whiteness. and he was out there all day with us. so go figure.

we decided to skip the beach yesterday as the first day resulted in us having sand in places you can't imagine. it was like sitting in a wind storm, not only did i have it in my hair, and my ears, but when i woke up this morning i had a good ounce of it in my eyes that had made it's way out while i slept.

we tried a new restaurant last night it looked promising from the outside but then kenny and my mom bitch up blue blazes about the salad bar which they were being charged 2.99 for. as it turned out, it only had four items on it. i could have put out a bigger spread at my house and i don't like salad.

but once the meals showed up, everyone totally forgot about the couple pieces of lettuce they had earlier. my chicken alfredo was sick, kennys steak was great, and all joni's seafood was fabulous. so i might suggest that gordan ramsey show up and teach these people a thing or do. cause there was only ten people in there at six pm on a saturday night. no good.

we ended the day by souvenir shopping, which if you know our kids is a trip all in itselfs cause kendall being five thinks he can just zoom through the store like chandler who is ten does.

oh and i might have gone yard saleing on my way to the scrapbook store yesterday morning and scored a seven and half foot prelite tree brand new in the book bitches for 25.00 dollars. so i'm off the walmart to purchase some bungees so that none of us have to hitch a ride on a bus to get home, i mean the hooptie van can only hold seven peeps and some luggage but a tree? and now kendall had to have a giant boogie board? not gonna happen.

fall break 2009

7:19:00 AM Edit This 2 Comments »

this would be before i got crappin blistered yesterday with my sunglasses on which now means that with them off i look exactly like a giant raccoon. And I think Kenny is totally molesting me right as this was being taken.

we left thursday morning at 5 am, but can i just say that the drive to florida freaking sucks compared to the drive to alabama. way too many turns and small towns to get through but we made it in record time after we got past all the rain. not to worry, my mom was in the back of the hooptie van praying for our lives. and telling the kids that everyone has two angels and that all twelve of them were crammed in the van with us. totally funny conversation with children,

kendall and chandler have a whole new thing to fight over this time, seems now it's cool to see which one can do everything better than the other. 'i can put mayo on this piece of bread better than you.' 'so i can wipe my butt better than you.' omg, will it ever stop.

we even tried the points chart thing this time where they can earn a point for every hour of good behavior. they both only have five after 48 hours, so you do the math. i hope no one out there has a ten year old and a five year old cause the combination is like satan on wheels. okay?

but on a funny side i at entirely too much sugar free ice cream thursday night and i sat up wind of joni so she got blasted with some really bad air biscuits all day yesterday. i think she'll pick her chair a bit more carefully today.

6:54:00 PM Edit This 7 Comments »

1. If you could uninvent one thing in the world so that it would no longer exist, what would you choose? Pantyhose, wtf?
2. Do you find it easy to ask for help? If I need it.
3. If you lived a hundred years ago, what job would you have had? Head mistress at a brothel. Don’t laugh, you know it true.
4. What are some of the most persistent and challenging obstacles in your everyday life? Keeping up with where Kenny might end up as he is out in a car. He is totally directionally challenged and I usually get calls a couple times a week for directions.

5. If you met your clone, someone with your exact personality traits, likes and dislikes, etc. Would you want to be friends with him/her? Omg, yes. I love me.
6. What is your biggest challenge in life right now? Not making out with a donut.

7. If you had to be famous for something, what would you choose? For being the most fabulous organizing bitch ever.
8. What surprises you most about your life so far? That Terri thinks it never really gets better, cause it can’t go on like that forever. This too shall pass.

9. How would people who knew you in high school describe you? Funny as hell.
10. What’s your favorite meal of the day, and why? Lunch cause I get to argue with Billie.
11. What is the one thing you would really regret not doing at some point in your life? Going to Hawaii.
12. If you had to, how would you describe yourself in a personal ad? Big hot girl looking for next husband.
13. What is the one thing that you “know for sure”? That the minute you think every is fine, something totally fucked up will happen to you. So don’t get comfortable.
14. When is the last time you got lost and what happened? I don’t get lost. I’m a woman.
15. Have you planned your funeral and/or written your will? No. And that’s just stupid cause I’m sure there are some people would like to kill me.

16. Do you carry an umbrella when rain is forecast or do you just risk it? No, never have an umbrella with me; I’m not sugar so I won’t melt.
17. How bad is traffic in your town? In the 80s it was great here you could jog across town in five minutes, but now it’s grown so fast that you have to pack a cooler just to get to the other side of town during rush hour. Fuck little town traffic.
18. What is your most despised household chore? All of them.
19. Pick out the most important item in your wallet/purse and tell why it’s important to you. My make up bag. The world isn’t ready for me without make up.
20. What was your first car? 1983 Toyota Tercel, baby blue with a moon roof.
21. When listening to music, do you tend to focus more on the lyrics or the melody?
Depends on the song really.

22. If you had to pick a theme song to sum up your life right now, what would it be? Joy and Pain by Rob Base

23. What celebrity crushes did you have when you were growing up? Donny and Shaun.
24. What cartoon character best describes you? Tigger
25. Complete this statement: “I recommend…..” taking regular trips to the beach.
26. How do you learn best? Hands on Baby.
27. Is one of your senses more highly developed than another? Touch
28. What says summer to you? Bitch, get go to the pool.
29. What’s your favorite food item in your refrigerator right now? Strawberries.
30. What one item in your kitchen best describes your personality? A clear tea jar filled with shells.
31. What is the best thing about the city in which you currently live? That old school Franklin people wave at you and transplant bitches don’t. That way you can tell the folks that really belong here.
32. What do you love most about yourself? It’s a toss up between my personality and my hair.
33. Is it easier for you to forgive or forget? Neither. But I’m working on both. I do live by ‘screw me once, shame on me, screw me twice, you’ll end up dead in the woods somewhere’.
34. Do you believe people can change? No.

35. Have you ever attended a high school or college reunion? What was it like? Ten year and it was so long ago I don’t even remember anything other than the hottest guy in school was in the corner crying over his wife leaving him.
36. Do you keep in regular contact with anyone from high school and/or college? I do until they say something totally fucked up and out of no where and then they gone.
37. What new course would you like to see added to the nation’s school curriculum? Checkbook balancing, paying bills, and/or Taking care of yourself financially.

38. Where is your favorite place to sit when at home? On my bed.
39. If you could spend a year in perfect happiness but afterward remember nothing of the experience, would you do it? No, memories are great escape from the norm.

40. If your house was burning and you only had time to rescue three non living things, what would they be? My 2 carat ring, all 7 ginormous scrapbooks, and all 10 of my new off the shoulder tops.
41. What or who encourages the child in you to come out and play? Chandler and Kenny.
42. What flavor of ice cream best describes your personality? Strawberry.

43. Which of the seven dwarf’s best personifies you? Happy.
44. If you had to describe your disposition with meteorological terms, what would a typical forecast be like? Sunny with a chance of severe thunderstorms if needed.
45. What breakfast cereal best describes your personality? Fruit Loops

.46. What do you think is the biggest waste of time? Meetings. My workplace is the most meeting having place I’ve ever been. And as soon as the damn thing starts I get sleepy…..everytime.

47. Complete this statement: “If I knew then what I know now, I….” would gone away to college.
49. Do you generally take the high road or the low road? Some of both, mostly high but no one ever notices when I do that.
50. If you had to name the worst song to wake up to in the morning, what would it be? Afternoon Delight. Fucking hate that song.

6:23:00 PM Edit This 1 Comment »

I look perfectly rested and relaxed in this photo, don't I? Well, that's because it was taken yesterday and today I'm suffering from sleep deprivation. I usually go to bed between eight and nine o'clock each night. Yeah, I know I'm loads of fun.

Anyway I didn't get to bed last night till shitting ass ten cause my OCD wouldn't let me miss 'Hoarders' which is on A&E at nine. So this morning at four am I'm working on my sixth hour of beauty sleep and I'm dreaming about me and Derrick McDreamy rolling around in the sand while straight up eating each others faces off when I keep hearing this freaking loud ass beep which is going off every five seconds. So in my dream I'm all looking around for the garbage truck that is surely backing the fuck up on the beach in middle of my love fest with Doctor Derrick.

Then I wake up to find that it is the damn fire alarm that is located directly over my bed on my bedroom cathedral ceiling. Oh yeah, and it just happens to be attached in highest point of the damn thing, like ten feet over my head. And I don't own a fucking ladder. Kill me now.

First I decide to close both doors, gathered up my blanket, and go sleep in Chandlers room but I could still hear the some bitch. Then I go down stairs and retrieve a six foot boat oar that not only goes with my beach decor but can be used as a weapon for intruders or fire alarms. Let me just tell you that I was swinging at this thing like a Mexican at a pinata and the only thing that did was leave some pretty ugly spots on my ceiling.

Now it's time to pull out the big guns damn thing has woke me out of a dead sleep and has kept me up for the last fourteen minutes? Fuck this shit. Mind you all this time the damn thing is putting out one of those loud short screams every five seconds so I'll do just about anything to get the damn noise to stop. It was at that moment that I remember my mom purchasing one of those long arm things with the grabbing pincher's on the end, like old people order. Yeah, we made pretty hard fun of her for that one.

So I set off back down the steps to find said grabbing thingy, once I looked under ever cabinet in the kitchen I got my hands on it. Stomped back up the steps, stood on my makeup chair, grabbed that damn thing and twisted it. It came down and was hanging by the cords, still couldn't reach it to replace the battery so I grabbed it and hanked down on it like my life depended on it. Bitch ass thing went crashing to the floor. And I swear it beeped like two more times which was enough to send my mouth into straight up sailor mode. I made up some new cuss words.

As I was getting down off the chair I realized that my windows were up and my blinds were up, my bedroom is on the second floor so if anyone was walking their dog that early I'm pretty sure they saw a part of me that they won't soon come back from cause in true dirty girl style I wasn 't wearing any panties. Just my shortie gown and my arms were up over my head which would leave my old people stuff hanging out out for the world to see.

How'd you sleep last night, I sure hope better than me.

things i learned this weekend....

7:25:00 PM Edit This 1 Comment »

** my stepson is awesome - not only is he cute, but he is totally handsome in his football uniform. and can i just say that this was my first high school football game since 1982, i learned that i can't stand to be around dumb, screaming, teenagers. and that black leggings with white daisy duke shorts worn over them is the new thing. wtf? i thought the first girl just had really bad taste but then i counted 37 other girls with the exact outfit on. oh and i actually saw not one, but two naked babies out in the damn rain, one had a wash rag on his head. so I'm sure than helped keep him dry.

** my child can get to the very end of a sixty dollar video game in a day and a half. - learned a very valuable lesson, to not actually purchase the stupid game just rent it and save myself 55.00 dollars.

** that Ronald McDonald is on crack. - course with what he charges for food he certainly can afford that habit. Friday night after the game the manager of the one in my stepsons small town hadn't taken into account that every redneck at said game would show up at 10.30 pm to eat and she couldn't be bothered to move quickly must less pick up her feet so she was making a shwooooshing sound with her big fat feet. she must have won that damn job. then Saturday night the boy taking my order couldn't explain why they charge 5.90 for two fries. yeah, two twenty piece nuggets was ten, then he added 5.90 which i thought was two fries and two drinks. but no, he added another 2.00 dollars for two drinks. when i ask why two fries was 5.90 he suddenly became a stuttertard. i freaking hate McDonald's.

** Walgreen's can suck it. - the same damn one i had a run in with last week was closed today because as the sign they hung in the drive thru window read, 'we don't have a pharmacist on duty'. what? are you kidding me? i will be emailing corporate about this location first thing in the morning course that is if my husband doesn't spazz out and kill all of us in our sleep cause he couldn't pick up his mood medicine. some bitches.

** movie popcorn is the only reason to go to the movies. - we went to see 'Jennifer's body' this afternoon and i know that popcorn isn't on my low carb diet but i couldn't resist movie popcorn. i even in my head was all, 'well it's good carbs cause corn is totally good for you.' whatever, I'll have to do way better the rest of this week.

New neighbors and Walgreens,,.,

7:51:00 PM Edit This 1 Comment »

First, I’m sitting in my living room watching yesterday watching ‘mission: organization’ when I hear a big boom noise. Yep, I get up and look out the window to find new neighbors moving it. At first glance, it is a little short Mexican man, a tall ill shapened white woman, and a gothic, skinny jean wearing, mascara and black nail polish wearing teenage boy. Wtf? Yeah, my mother feels that Satan’s spawn has moved in next door and from this point forward as she puts it, ‘this place will be locked up tighter than Dick’s hatband.’ What? Who’s Dick? And what’s a hatband?
I went over to meet them in person and the parental units seem fine, but Satantard sat just inside the door and never spoke a word, he probably plotting how he can kill and cut up my fat ass all by himself. The parents inform me that they have five children. Really? I’ll be calling ya’ll the Brady/Clampetts family. I’ll keep you informed on that development.
Second, the pharmacist down at the Walgreen’s is right before getting a bitch slap from big momma. Okay? So the school nurse calls me to tell me that she is out of Chan man’s medicine and that she doesn’t even have one for that day. What? Way to keep a bitch parent inform nurse whore.
Luckily I had a prescription in my purse for said medicine. So off to the Walgreen’s I go, I went inside with the intent to wait on it. But after being told it was gonna be a thirty minutes I opted to run by the house and wait. Now I had to be at work at noon, I dropped off the prescription at 10:15, I came back at 11:05. So I gave them 40 minutes to get the shit done.
I pull up to the drive thru and ching, ching, china girl comes to the window:
Chingy: May I hep you?
Me: I’m here to pick up a prescription that I dropped off an hour ago.
Chingy: Hold peas.
Now I sit there for over five minutes watching her type on the computer, like she’s really doing something. Then she starts shuffling through some papers. And I’m all, ‘oh shit, if they haven’t done this shit I’m gonna come unglued. Now believe it or not, bitch never came back to the window but she did walk back and forth in front of it about a bazillion times. Then a sister comes to the window:

Sista: Have you been helped?
Me: Well Chingy was trying to help me but all she’s done is tell me to hold on and then go running back and forth in front of the window.
Sista: I’m sorry, let me see what I can do. (Fake types on computer.) Um, our pharmacist has been spread really thin due to all of the flu shots being given. I’ll have it in a minute.
Me: Great! I’m gonna be late for work.
Sista: Sorry.
I’m not lying when I tell you that I fucking sat there for 40 minutes waiting on my damn prescription. At some point, I cut the car off and then the heat set in. Then sista come back to the window:
Sista: Again I’m really sorry. She’s with the last patient now.
Me: Omg, you’ve got to be kidding me right now! When you say thirty minutes, you need to have the shit ready in thirty minutes. I’m gonna be fucking late for work right now from sitting here and waiting on you people to do your jobs!
Sista: I know, I’m sorry. But she’s been giving flu shots…..
Me: Okay, I don’t give a rats ass about someone’s flu shot. I needed my prescription ready at eleven. Is the prescription even filled yet?
Sista: Well she has to approve all of the prescription orders before they go out.
Me: Is the damn pills in a bottle at least?!
Sista: The prescription has been ready all this time; we’ve just been waiting on her to approve them.
Me: This is ridiculous! Please, I’m begging you to get my shit ready.

Now mind you, I actually sat for over twenty of the minutes watching said pharmacist fake type on the fake computer. She wasn’t giving flu shots or filling orders; she was standing there in front of a computer…..typing. What?
I notice they had their store hours and phone number in the window, so now I pick up my cell and call the store manager to see if this is normal. If he says yes, I swear I’ll go in there and light a fire under someone’s actual ass.
Luckily right before he came to the phone, Sista puts my med bag in the little drawer and waves…..that’s right, she didn’t want to hear me bitch anymore.
So I’ll be adding Walgreen’s to my list of dumbshit companies to not frequent. Good God October 15th cannot get here fast enough,,,,,,I'll be sitting my fat ass on the closest beach.

Thirteen of my favorite people...

8:38:00 PM Edit This 6 Comments »

Joni is gonna kill me for putting up this photo, but I love it. It was taken about one month before I met Kenny and like a true dumbass ran to the alter after only knowing him for 6 weeks. In this I was single and carefree, now I'm married and a mom. I've not had a good nights sleep since the day I met Kenny. He tends to be like a child most of the time and gets bored if you don't entertain him. Whatever.
Now onto my 13 favorite peeps....

1. Kenny - I'll let him be first since he does see me naked on a daily basis. He is one of my best friends and there is nothing I can't talk to him about. When the day comes that we aren't married to each other, I will still hang out with him as a best friend. We just won't be sleeping together.
2. Chandler - I couldn't have ask for a better child. He is so me it's a little scary. And he does manage to make me smile at least once a day. He terrorizes my mom on a daily basis so I consider myself lucky.
3. VOD - Omg, I can't imagine my life without her. She cooks my meals, washes my clothes, and takes care of my offspring. She rocks and tomorrow is her 165th birthday. Damn, she old. But I love her.
4. Joni - We have been friends since about 1992, Joni sorry is that's not correct. I met her while we were both young and looking for some love. We've been through a lot together including the four years that I was acting like a total dillhole and I didn't talk to her. The day we got back together, was as if we'd never been apart. And if I were to ever pull a gay card I wouldn't be able to get to her house fast enough for some big girl booty.
5. Terri - Terri and I totally get each other. She's my drinking on the beach, singing on the balcony, and wash your titties in the sink friend. I wouldn't trade anyone for her. I know that if I'm sad she can cheer me up just by referencing her last funky 'explosive diarrhea' having boyfriend.
6. Billie - Okay, seriously when I first heard that a woman name Billie was coming to work for us I was all, "Omg, anyone named Billie is probably old and crazy." Well, crazy was right. But she isn't old and that bitch can blurt out some of the funniest shit. I actually got publish on 'overheard in the office' with one of our conversation.
7. Angelia - Her name is really Angela, but she got to spell it all reflicted to through off some white people. What am I saying? She is white. She's pregnant right now, she says she's only about 9 weeks along. But if so, she having a bazillion babies cause I noticed today that she has giant cankles. And her bellybutton looks like a doorknob. Oh and she's planning on naming her baby girl, Isis. Which is a damn Power Rangers name and you know I'm gonna call that child, Is Is. If it's a boy it's gonna be Ochean, which is just Ocean with an H thrown in. I'm calling the baby Emma right now and I hope to God it sticks in her mind, course its gonna be pretty confused if it's a boy named Emma. Love you B.
8. Kerrie - I worked with her at O'Charleys and now at FMC. She seems all creepy and supervisorish, but in real life she is hysterical. Her husband pretty funny as well. She's been with me through a lot of crap I've had going on in my life and she stuck by me. Hell, she even went on one of my beach vacations, course she brought along that short fat lady from Poltergeist. When I ask what her friend looked like, she was all, "Well, she a big girl." Um Kerrie, no amount of you explaining would have gotten me prepared for that lump in a swimsuit you came walking down the boardwalk with. Oh and Kerrie has this creepy 'no feet' policy, so I like to stick my toes on her right after I've had them painted.
9. Kris - I married his dad when he was 3. He's now 15 and I love him as a teenager. He has stopped fighting with Chandler now and is actually a gob of fun to have around. Love, love, love my teenage stepson. You rock Kris.
10. GOF - She has been my mom since I was nine. And she took on a man with three rugrats to take care of. And it's not so bad that she is Old Franklin and she can get the low down on just about anyone that lives here. She can even get the dirty details on most folks with just one phone call. I wonder who she calls.
11. Summer - We've never actually met but I'm certain that I could be fabulous friends with this woman. We have a lot in common and she needs me to make her laugh and to remind her that everything in life really does have a funny side if you just search for it. I pray everyday that she will kick DH to the curb, pack up Baby, and move to Tennessee.
12. KimmyK - I have met her and she is fantabulous. She has this great curly hair that I used to pay 150.00 dollar a pop to get, she has the sweetest disposition, I love the pictures that she takes and I love to read about her life. Now if she'd only start writing again. Oh and her hubby's not too shabby either, he cracks my shit up.
13. Aunt Charlene - She's always been my favorite aunt and I've always looked up to her. That is until my mom told me that she was a sex toting, pole dancer before she hooked up with Jesus. Now I see her in a whole new light. And she's a lunch lady so I always have that to joke on her about. Not that theres anything wrong with lunch lady's, I just think it's funny that she is one. I totally wish she lived here too.

luke is the man....

8:05:00 PM Edit This 1 Comment »

okay, the love of my life, i mean dude from 'more to love' is down to three big girls to become his wife. first, i could totally do without the recap at the beginning of the show not just cause it sucks time out of my life but because i watch this shit religiously so i already know how many bitches you made out with last week. the other people who have not kept up shouldn't get to see a recap. recaps are for bitches.

second, i got a glimpse of his feet tonight and he sort of has flintstone feet. yeah, his big toe is totally resembling a GE lightbulb. and yes, i've had to kick some people to the curb for having unattractive feet. i'm shallow, i can't help it.

he's got all of these girls in hawaii, and i think he's just toying with them now cause i called the girl he was gonna pick on the first stinking show when these girls were getting out of the limo. he is gonna pick malissa cause she's blond with huge boobs and she has the cutest personality. if he picks one of the other two, i might have to email him with a few choice words.

i also had a run in and had to throw yet another bitch fit at walgreens today, but i'm tired and i'll have to tell it tomorrow.....love ya'll.

Another useless meme.....

5:24:00 PM Edit This 2 Comments »

Charlene, this is my short bus hair that I actually wore all day on Sunday, even went to the damn Walmart like this and by the way I have two of these puffy pony things, one for each side of my head, but when I took the photo from the front you couldn't really see both of them....now onto some useless info about me.

1. First thing you wash in the shower? Hair, armpits, sissy…..sorry, got carried away.

2. What color is your favorite hoodie? I don’t own anything with a hood attached, just another of my fashion no-nos for big girls. I don’t need any extra weight added to my man neck.

3. Would you kiss the last person you kissed again? Hell to the yeah, I would.

4. Do you plan outfits? No. I do have a butt load of black and white Capri’s, so I just have to pick one of my many tops to match. Another way to keep your life simple.

5. How are you feeling RIGHT now? Sleepy, it’s early in the morning.

6. What's the closest thing to you that's red? My sansa, cause I played it so much this weekend that the battery died and I have to recharge on my computer.

7. Tell me about the last dream you remember having? I’m not sure but it had Kirk Cameron in it due to the fact that the last show I watched that night was The Duggers and dude just happened to be on it. Yes, I’m a freak.

8. Did you meet anybody new today? Not yet, it’s still early.

9. What are you craving right now? A Gigi’s cupcake and just so you know, that carving never goes away.

10. Do you floss? Sometimes with the little stick thingies.

11. What comes to mind when I say cabbage? My grandmother standing in front of the stove cooking that smelly shit.

12. Are you emotional? Like an open nerve ending.

13. Have you ever counted to 1,000? If I did I was drunk and on the balcony at the beach with Terri. She and I do lots of dumb shit when we’re tanked.

14. Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it? It it’s on a cone lick, if it’s in a bowl bite. Damn, now I feel sort of dirty for the lick word.

15. Do you like your hair? I loved it till I got a wild hair up my ass a couple of weeks ago and cut 4 inches off. Never do that again.

16. Do you like yourself? Sometimes.

17. Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush? If Patrick Dempsey went too.

18. What are you listening to right now? The noise of my fan.

19. Are your parents strict? My parents were great, I thought they were strict back in the day, but now I know that I had a great childhood with little rules. Actually I think my dad gave me just enough rope to hang myself a few times.

20. Would you go sky diving? Fuck no.

21. Do you like cottage cheese? No. I don’t even have anything nice to say about it.

22. Have you ever met a celebrity? Larry Gatlin and he was a Jackass. And the dark haired girl, Karen from Little Big Town in the nail salon but she was fabulously nice. Reba McEntire in the ladies room of a local nightclub and she splashed freaking water all over me.

23. Do you rent movies often? From Redbox. Who can resist a 1.00 a day rental.

24. Is there anything sparkly in the room you're in? A couple of my scrapbook layouts that are hanging on the wall.

25. How many countries have you visited? The one I’m in now.

26. Have you made a prank phone call? In my teens I lived for that shit.

27. Ever been on a train? No.

28. Brown or white eggs? Either, I’m an egg bitch.

29.Do you have a cell-phone? It’s like an extra arm.

30. Do you use Chap Stick? No, but Joni uses enough for about 20 people.

31. Do you own a gun? Yes, but I don’t like to look at it.

32. Can you use chop sticks? Yes, just one of the many talents I learned in high school.

33. Who are you going to be with tonight? Our cute little family.

34. Are you too forgiving? Oh my Lord, no. I can carry a grudge till dooms day or until you drop off the face of the earth. However, my momma says that if you don’t forgive, then you won’t be forgiven. Good plan.

35. Ever been in love? Yes and some people never get the chance to really fall in love. I consider myself very lucky in that sense. I've had the 'slow, smooth, lifetime love' and the 'no air, sloppy, soul mate, butterfly in your stomach' love. Both are great

36. Who is your BFF? Joni and Terrie. Shit, I’m lucky in BFFs too.

37. Ever have cream puffs? I don’t know, but if their loaded with sugar I’ll give them a try.

38. Last time you cried? I can’t remember. That’s a first.

39. What was the last question you asked? 'are you hungry?'

40. Favorite time of the year? Summer.

41. Do you have any tattoos? Oh yeah, Ivy vine and Angel wings.

42. Are you sarcastic? Oh, no. Not at all.

43. Have you ever seen The Butterfly Effect? Freaking fabulous movie.

44. Ever walked into a wall? While intoxicated, yes. I’ve walked into a lot of things.

45. Favorite color? Pink.

46. Have you ever slapped someone? No. Never been in a fight in my life. But I’m ready in case the opportunity comes up.

47. Is your hair curly? No, my brothers got the great curly hair, I got stick straight hair.

49. Do looks matter? Yes, I’m shallow.

51. Is your phone bill sky high? No, not really. It’s pretty much the same every month.

52. Do you like your life right now? I’m disappointed in my body what with the facial surgery and I think a Breathe Right strip broke my face out this weekend, it’s like I have great facial skin until I hit 45. Now it’s a free for all.

53. Do you sleep with the TV on? No. Just a sound machine and a fan.

54. Can you handle the truth? Yes. Sometimes the truth is more fun.

55. Do you have good vision? No.

56. Do you hate or dislike more than 3 people? No. But there are a couple at work I could do without.

57. How often do you talk on the phone? Not as much as most woman. Joni and I do have an afternoon talk pretty much everyday.

58. The last person you held hands with? Chandler.

59. What are you wearing? Black Capri’s, a super cute baby doll top, and black flip flops.

60. What is your favorite animal? Cats.

61. Where was your default picture taken? At the beach.

62. Can you hula hoop? God no, and I tried this weekend in front of Chandler and his little girlfriend. They laughed hysterically.

63. Do you have a job? Yes and one that I love.

64. What was the most recent thing you bought? A damn Hooptie Caravan.

65. Have you ever crawled through a window? Yes, my niece and her friends were having a boy/girl party at my house for her 13th birthday and she wanted me to stay out of sight. So me and my girlfriend crawled out the window and perched ourselves in the trees behind my house to watch them through the sliding glass door. At one point, I have to climb back in cause some boy was pulling his pants down to show everyone his Tommy Hilfiger boxers. He went home shortly there after.

Late thirteen thursday....

8:02:00 PM Edit This 1 Comment »

** What is the first thing you notice about people? Their appearance….hair, clothes, even down to the shoes. Yep, I’m shallow.

** What song always makes you happy when you hear it? Good Vibrations by Marky Mark. Freaking bust a move everytime I hear it.

** What fashion trend do you just not get? Jeans hanging down on boys hips so that I have to be subjected to looking at their underwear. Chandler better not ever think about doing that, right now he pulls em up like white Erkel.
** Would you rather go a week without bathing, but be able to change your clothes, or a week without a change of clothes, but be able to bathe? Without a change of clothes but you'd be able to bathe, so you can wash the funk off whenever you feel the need.

** If you had to be trapped in a TV show for a month, which show would you choose? Omg, Big Brother. I’d have a few choice words to say to some of those assholes.
** What is one thing that you would change about yourself if you could? My weight.
** What do you think the secret to life is? Laugh at everything you possibly can and forgive others.
** When and with whom was your first kiss? EJ, a boy that lived in Nashville but drove to Franklin just to see me. I’m not sure what the EJ stood for, he was tall, heavy set, with red hair. I was sixteen and we were standing outside my sister in laws daycare center. It was horrible and I hated it, as soon as I started to enjoy kissing him, he broke my 16 year old heart.

** Do you believe that everything happens for a reason? I have to keep telling myself that or else I would have to blame me for the way things turn out. And who wants to do themselves down?

** What would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the Pearly Gates? Girl, we been waiting on you.

my weekend...

4:35:00 PM Edit This 1 Comment »

don't you love it when an angry whining child sticks her little Muppet head in your seemingly cute Nashville shores photo? Addy was not happy in this photo, but brandy and i were. we decided to take in Nashville shores for the day on Saturday. Nashville shores is like redneck riviera in our area, it has a couple of pools, a couple of massive water slides, and some damn 4.75 burgers. the last time i went was last year on a Saturday but i made the colossal mistake of getting there at noon which meant that all the fucking chairs were taking. but yesterday i was way smarter and i showed up the damn minute they opened. and um, where the hell was all the rednecks this Saturday? i mean they damn sure weren't having yard sales or at ns. was there a redneck convention out of town that i wasn't aware of?

i did teach Addy some fun and happy sayings go back to daycare and repeat, while taking their photo i was yelling out, every say____________________. some of the great things i taught her and that she blurted out in front of the fifty people that were at the pool was, 'hookers and hos!', 'panties and poles!', 'I'm a future pole dancer!'. Um, the last one she continued to repeat all the way home, so brandy will have a nice little teacher meeting to attend this week I'm sure.

Kenny and i took in 'final destination' 3D this weekend. and i found out very quickly that it is identical to the last three where some dorks left a situation where they were gonna die, then one by one death came back for them. enough already!

today was fun but on the way home from a family get together my husband blurts out that someone decided that I'm in my 'own little world' recently. um really? cause I'll be sure to stay in my 'own little world' from this point forward. so yeah. keep talking bitches.

then on the way home from a party that my child refuses to eat at, i have to stop at the local McDonald's to give them yet another ten dollars of my hard earned money. let me explain, i think I've bitch about them before but today topped the shit and I'll be sending the corporate office an email tomorrow. now in Nashville the all the other 4556 location of mcfuckalds have .25 cent mcnuggets, but not the two in frankvegas, they have to suck every cent right out of the rich bitches wallets. the cashier was this little tiny Gothic sucking teenage bitch, we'll call her Mortisha. she rang up a ten piece nugget meal deal, the chandler decided he just wanted the ten piece nuggets and a drink, no frys:

mortisha: that's 5.43.

me: for a ten piece and a drink?

mortisha: oh, no frys?

me: right.

mortisha: that's 5.33.

me: what? it's ten cents less and i'm out the frys?

mortisha:l yeah.

me: okay, what happened to the .25 cent nuggets? all the ones in Nashville do that.

mortisha: um well, we did that but not for long.

me: um, that's because you're located in the Franklin and your company thinks that all the people out here are rich.

mortisha: um, no we did cause we were losing money.

wtf? um, shouldn't you be worried that no one is ever gonna ask you out with that get up on? damn little bitch, you have no idea the shitting ass money that your company nets each year, so don't try to talk to me about why you bitches think it's okay to charge an arm and leg for some fried chicken parts and a fucking coke. i wanted to just slap the shit out of her and scream, 'knock it off! oh, and tone down the eyeliner you look like broom Hilda's daughter!'

so after i left and told chandler that he better enjoy his last meal from there, i came home to find that some jack hole from Alabama is in my damn parking spot. okay, in our neighborhood you get two parking spots then each section has a guest spot. there is about fifty empty spaces out front but this person thought it would be great fun to park in my spot and they even had the nuts to back in, like they plan to stay for a little bit. wtf? after knocking on some of my neighbors doors I've decided to set up camp in in my reading nook that i've set up in my bay window and when they resurface, i will explain the parking situation around here. and now that I'm on that, two doors down some hookers that have two BMW's have decided that it would be a good idea to use both of their spots with one of the beemers and park the other one in a guest spot. some people just have ball sacks the size of basketballs, but one of them is from new york so that explains a lot about them.

i think i'm going to bed now as not to get anymore ticked off at unsuspecting people......love y'all.

what's happening hot stuff?

8:53:00 PM Edit This 2 Comments »

** Chandler is in a new school this year and he went to first of many birthday parties this year. Can I just say that this child's Mommy lacked just plain and simple social skills. There is no way she is from what I like to call 'old Franklin' cause I know her mother would have brought her up a with a couple of manners. She answered the phone on Saturday at one o'clock in the afternoon like a cracked out stripper who just got home from a long nights work. I actually ask if I woker her up, she was all, "Naw, I guess I should be up by now." I had to resist the urge to ask who was watching her children. None of I business is what kept going off in my head. Her house and her appearance weren't much better, but Chandler wanted to stay at the little Indian boys party. I came back after two hours and was ask if he could stay as the father had to run out and get candles. Um, Crackhead bitch, next year come down off the pole a couple of hours early and actually be prepared for your child's party. Get your priorities straight girl. Geez.

** I freaking love, love, love my job with the exception of three people, I'm totally crushing on all of the others. Let me just tell you that it would be no love lose to anyone in there if these three left to explore bigger and better things. All three have shitty attitudes and two of em mumble under their breath about everything that goes on in the room. Girls, can't we just all get along. People with crappy attitudes just get stuck in my craw.....okay?

** Joni and I have locked down our condo rentals for fall vacation. First I got me a killer deal on a two bedroom at killer resort and then I called a owner that I've rented from before and got Joni an even better deal at the same resort. I can't wait for October. Four days and five nights of beach time. I think I should become a travel agent instead of doing payroll. Where do I sign up to be an agent?

** I'm sitting here wondering what the fuck happened between third grade and fourth grade with the homework bullshit. Third grade was a freaking breeze, and now two weeks into fourth grade and the stupid math homework is four pages long. I know that tiny fat girl teacher does not want me up her ass this early in the school year, But damn B, their in the fourth grade not medical school, one page of each subject should get the job done without sending my child into a stressed out episode.

** Omg, I almost forgot the best part, my momma bought me a damn scrap booking Cricut machine for Christmas. It came today and she let me open it to play for a little bit. I swear to you I came a little when my first paper doll came out all cute. For those of you who have no idea what a Cricut does, it's a machine that has different cartridges you can purchase with different things it can cut out for you.....like alphabets, paper dolls, shapes, and it even cuts the vinyl sticker things you can decorate your home with. Joni has a giant toothbrush in her bathroom that says, 'you don't have to brush all your teeth, just the ones you want to keep' my machine can do that without having to pay the man 19.99 for it. Love this machine and my momma.....

Poor bunny.....

7:17:00 PM Edit This 2 Comments »

So tonight Chan had an assignment for school all about picking an animal and answering questions about how to take care of said animal. Well, he picked a damn bunny. So I sit him across from me at my scrapbook desk and VOD comes into the room, she leans over him and he tells her all about the assignment and that he picked a bunny. Then this went down:

Chan: Meme, you ever have a bunny.

VOD: No, but I've eat a rabbit.

Chan: (blink, blink.) (Then turns into a middle aged woman having a panic attack and dashes up the steps crying.) (After we talk him into coming back down, he runs and jumps on the sofa still crying.) That poor bunny!

VOD: Honey, it wasn't any ones pet, okay. Poppa John always brought home rabbits. So it wasn't some child's pet.

Me: It may not have been their pet, but that bunny was some other bunny's child.

VOD: Tina! You are not helping.

Me: He probably had brothers and sisters that are still out there posting those little missing bunny posters on those little bunny light poles.

After trying some pregnant lady breathing techniques, Chandler finally calmed down long enough to return to the scrap room and got back in his chair.

Me: Chan really, it she actually ate a really dirty stripper bunny, that was strung out on crack, and dated a dirty bunny that rode a motorcycle. So it wasn't so bad.

Chan: Omg, I can't believe she ate a bunny.

Me: Hey, one time she and Poppa John treated me into eating Bambi's daddy.

Chan: Meme! A deer?

VOD: Chandler, you eat chicken. (and by chicken, she meant chicken mcnuggers cause that's the only type of meat we can get him to eat.)

Chan: Momma says nuggers ain't real chicken.

VOD: Okay, it was a rogue bunny that was in a very bad gang who rode the streets terrorizing all the bunnies in town, so he was going to bunny jail anyway.

An hour later, we finally got the stupid paper filled out. Oh, and I got the damn code to my cute breast cancer check card which is black with a giant pink ribbon through it, so girlie and cute. I ran right down to the bank ATM and I was really ready for this shit to not work, so that I could call customer service and throw yet another fit. But it worked like a bitch, and I'm back in business and not having to use cash for everything.

And one more thing, that damn Geico commercial with the stupid ass stack of money that is staring at you singing, "Somebodys watching me." Makes me want to vomit, I'm not sure if something totally traumatic happened to me back in the eighties while that song played but it brings back some creepy memories and it's just a fucking stupid ass commercial. Geico, bring the damn gecko back, at least he was cute, that stack of money is dumb. That is all people, carry on.

our weekend...

8:08:00 PM Edit This 1 Comment »

Friday night I swear we were in the bed at nine pm. Hold back people, we're are totally party animals.

Saturday morning, we went yard saleing only to find that no one in Frankvegas had one damn thing that we would want. Chandler and I went to the mall at around ten to get my highlights done. He only went to see me get my moustache waxed for some reason Chandler just loves to see me in pain, he really likes it when I scream out, "Kelly Clarkson!"

Then I went for my nails and toes which I love to do, I guess that's a total girl thing.

Oh, I almost forgot that I had to throw a big girl bitch fit in the bank before my hair appointment. Long story short, I reported my check card lost last Saturday, then ten minutes after I ordered a new one, I found mine in my damn makeup compartment of my purse. Any hoo, they sent me a new one, I called to activate it, then tried to use it at the ATM only to be told that my old code was incorrect. WTF?

I waited till they opened at nine and barreled into the bank, then after standing in one line, I was told that I would have to have an officer reset my password. After waiting behind three people who were wanting God knows what, I was told that I'd need to go into an empty office to call customer service because due to the incorrect code being put in, I had to call to let them know it was me. What? I'm standing right here looking at you bitch, you call and tell em I'm me.

The hold time for the call was gonna be eight minutes so I said a few choice words to the bank officer lady and told her that I had an appointment and would have to come back if the person on the phone couldn't help me. When the girl finally answered the phone and after she called me sir twice. I had to speak up, "Okay, first I'm a girl not a sir. And second I need my password reset for the damn check card I got in the mail yesterday." She told me that she would be glad to reset it and it would take five to seven business days to get.

Listen to me very carefully, I scream, "The fuck it will take that long! I need to use the fucker right now! I'm not getting off this phone until you get my shit reset. This is ridiculous. Send somebody a card and then don't send a damn code with it. What? Am I just supposed to guess what the fuck it is?" I know, I would have hung up on me too. But she didn't she just transferred me to the second person of the five I spoke with that morning. The last girl, I was all, "Thanks for nothing." She made sure to tell me to have a good day.

I didn't need to use the card that day but do you know what it's like to have to use cash for everything? Geez, it's sucks. And I feel pretty naked without a checkcard.

Saturday night we went to see 'the perfect getaway' and can I just say, go see this movie it was great and had a great twist that we didn't see coming. It was fabulous.

Sunday I got up and just wanted to spend the day reorganizing my scrapbook room, but Kenny and VOD got me hook on the fourth season of 'hell's kitchen'. First I hate Gordon Ramsey, he is an ass that can't seem to speak one nice word to anyone and he can't complete a sentence without ending it with, 'piss off.' The whole season was on, back to back, so I sat there all damn day today watching this crap. Damn it, if it's not a Lifetime movie it's a stupid reality show. I didn't accomplish one good thing today other than munching on granola, which my mom warns me is good for me which might mean I won't be addicted to it for long......

things that happened this week.....

8:18:00 PM Edit This 2 Comments »

Before you laugh, this was the summer of 1981 and headbands were totally in then and so was wearing a wife beater over your bikini. I swear I'm not sure where the white teeth went but I do still have this exact hairstyle, funny how shit comes back around. Huh? And my face must not have grown into my face by then.

** The damn headliner in my Mexican hooptie van started to come down beside the passengers door. I'm sorry but I had to get on Craigslist to find a headliner dude to come to our house to replace the damn thing. I call it a Mexican Hooptie, but it really doesn't look like one and I'd like to keep it that way. Now that's 130.00 more dollars that thing has cost me over what I paid for it from the one eared dude. But I came home today and it looks all shiny and new. I love it.

** Chandler started the fourth grade at a school that he's never attended before but I did in the fifth grade. So weird walking into the same building I was learning in at 12 years old. He has a plus size shorty for a teacher but she is so sweet. I just hope she can handle my child's personality, he is me trapped in a ten year old body.

** I tried to hook VOD up with the little older dude that fixed my van, but after she invited him into the house for a beverage and some adult conversation, he mentioned a girlfriend. He called me tonight to tell me that he left some type of sharp ass tool in the back of my van, when I called him back to tell him I found it I said, "dude, you didn't have to leave something behind just to come back over to see my mom, you could have just ask for her number." Mother was mortified but Greg was all, "I'm old fashioned like that."

** I broke down and cleaned out four empty offices in my department this morning. I've been there since October and these offices have been abandoned by the ghosts of employees past and all their creepy old staplers, stress balls, and dead plants. I was filthy and sweaty by eight this morning, but my OCD was in check once again.

** I bribed Travis, who is on my team at work into processing my manual checks again with the promise that I'd buy him some Gigi's cupcakes on Friday. I freaking hate the manual check process but I don't mind bribing someone else to do them for me. Who doesn't love a good cupcake.

** I haven't spend a dime on scrap crap this week, and this is a giant accomplishment for me cause lately I've been buying a boat load of embellishments., Never mind the paper, inks, or albums......I'm a embellishment whore.

** Billie was in the back seat of the Hooptie van when we past an Ethiopian restaurant, she was all, "That's an Ethiopian restaurant? I didn't think those people ate." Yep, I fell out. Some of the stuff that comes out of her mouth cracks my shit up,

** Angelia and I were totally crushing on our twenty year old waiter at Logans today. He looked to be about twelve, I felt all dirty and pedophileish when we left. He was hhhhoooottttt!

** I started using moisturizer at night. Yeah, I've never used any products on my face before other than washing it in the shower. That is until I had to have a giant knob removed from my cheek earlier this year, now I'm all trying to take better care of my skin. Hope it's not too late.

** I've decided to only eat salads for lunch from this point forward. I'm not a giant salad fan, but I'm really tired of being all bloated when we get back from lunch each day. So I figure this has to be a lot healthier for me and I might shed a couple pounds by doing it. I'll let you know how long I can hold out.

** Tomorrow afternoon I'm headed to the mall to have my hair highlight touch up, I always love coming out of there all blond and cute. Note to self, have her wax Billy D Williams stash off to.

Stalker shout out......,

8:27:00 PM Edit This 6 Comments »

Would the peeps that are logging on from Surgical Development Partners in Spring Hill, TN and Northeast Louisiana University in Monroe, LA please stand up and let me know who you are. You guys are two of my biggest fans and you never comment. So what's up with that? And Spring Hill, we're neighbors I really should get to know you.

It's really easy to do, you just set up a free account and then you can leave me some sweet messages. Next week I'll pull two more people out the closet for not commenting. Don't be shy, I'm really a lot of fun once you get to know me.

Just ask all my other peeps.....everyone tell them how totally fabulous I am....

Late ass 13 Thursday....

5:56:00 PM Edit This 7 Comments »

I've been sucking lately where blogging is concerned. I'm not sure if it's cause I don't have the time due to scrapping, I don't have a lot to say anymore, or cause all the bitches that read me don't comment. So sometimes I figure why bother. VOD feels the same damn way about Facebook she was all up one Sunday morning cleaning the kitchen at the butt crack cause she had laid in the bed all night being pissed off cause no one ever talks to her or comments back on Facebook. My suggestion was to block everyone that doesn't talk to her but she felt like like they wouldn't care if she did that. Okay? Who cares block they ass anyway.
So before I get on with my list I should tell you that Chandler got his first cell phone on Saturday and he started the fourth grade today. Course I forgot to tell them that he goes by Chandler when registering him this year and they put his first name on his locker which he was totally excited about having even though it had a dorky name on it. I hate that he's growing up so fast cause I already miss him being 2 years old and a sweetheart. Now you're lucky if you get a hug and a kiss.
Oh and last night how about little dude has come into my bedroom at 12:45 am all telling me that he can't go to sleep and can he get in the bed with us. Um, I think I remember instilling in my child ever since he could talk that we never wake Mommie unless you are bleeding or the house is on fire. Kind of goes right a long with don't call my house past 8:00 pm unless someone is dead. Yeah, evidently he forgot who he was dealing with, I ended up trying to squish my fat ass into his full size with him and his kazillion animal pillows, you haven't live until you've slept holding a giant fluffy frog and giant between your legs.
Needless to say, that I hardly got any sleep after that shit took place......he better not come into my room tonight cause I've already warned Kenny that he was gonna get booted to Chandlers bed and little man would be getting in my bed. Poor Kenny.
Now onto my Thirteen Thursday list.......

** What is the sexiest part of the body? I’d say the eyes and the smile.
** If you owned your own restaurant, what would you call it? I’d have a cupcake business, double the icing on each, and call it Bite me Gigi.
** If you kissed a frog, who would you like it to turn into? Ryan Reynolds, Dwayne Johnson, or Patrick Dempsey.
** Where is your ideal place/location to have a wedding? Durrrrr, the beach. My next wedding will most definitely be on a beach.
** Do you trust anyone to protect you? Who, and why? I’ve found recently that it really is every man for himself’. I used to run to my Dad but clearly it’s time to move on.
** If you were to name the difference between the male soul and the female soul, what would it be? The difference is that the male soul has a dick that they view as their best friend and believe me it always get in the way. The woman soul wants a man to sweep her off her feet and to love her forever.
** If you were stuck in a room for an hour with a chalk board, what would you draw on it? Naked stick people performing lude acts.
** What would you take from your house if you knew it would be flooded tomorrow?All my scrapbooks which weigh a shit ton.
** What is one item in your house that you should really throw out but probably never will? My old prom dresses, but in my defense I did make pillows out of the bodice part and they are totally cute. I have three, white, lavender, and dark green.
** List three foods you can’t stand: seafood, meatloaf, and squash.
** What's the wackiest belief you held as a child? That you could get pregnant from kissing.
** If you could change the custom of shaking hands, what would you replace it with? Hugging.
** How do you feel about public displays of affection? As long as nipple or a ball aren't showing then it’s all good.

More to love....

8:42:00 PM Edit This 2 Comments »

Okay, I've been watching the big girl version of the bachelor. I love it, but if I have to listen to one more of these giant bitches cry about how they never had a date and they were always the last one picked for some shit. I almost threw up in my mouth a little bit at one point.

I have already picked my girl, I think he is gonna pick Malissa, she's blond with huge boobs and she is very sweet. Then theres the cougar woman who is 37 and big dude is 27. Then theres the tattle tale girl with the horrible attitude named Lauren, he needs to kick this bitch to the curb tonight. Theres one girl that has cried for the entire first two shows I actually found myself yelling at the TV, "please shut the fuck up with the crying! You're making my ears bleed."

Of course, now we're having a suck ass storm and all the lights just went out, but my baby computer is still kicking ass. Omg, cable is out and I may not be able to see who he kicks off tonight. And can I just say that one one of the group dates the girls had on swimsuits, and why didn't these girls friends and family tell them to always pick a damn suit with a skirt to hide your fat. Next week their all going to prom with Luke, I can't wait.....love it.

I'm making VOD watch it with me, but it's killing her cause she just thinks that all men want to do is stick somebody, so she doesn't believe that a man could really love a bitch. It's fun to watch her hate on a show so badly.

The Naked Truth...

2:48:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

Yep, I had my friend Billie at work drink my scrap booking kool-aid and come to my house yesterday for a scrap booking tutorial. She did great but soon after I gave her the pointer to not use a freakin butt gob load of adhesive on your pages, I went to pull something up for her and this bitch had done taken adhesive and just roll it all the way across a 12 inch page. I could have killed her. Okay? Adhesive is not inexpensive by any means and we were using my scrap crap. All in all we had a great time and yes I don't have any makeup on this photo so I'm a little concerned that I'm posting it on the Internet.

Joni also came over last night to have me set her up on Facebook. I didn't even think there was anyone that didn't have one of those. While I was on there updating her, a boy I used to babysit hit me up on instant message. He hadn't uploaded a photo yet, so he just had that creepy dude blue head that make you seem a lot like a serial killer. I promptly told him to please upload a photo as not to creep me out. I have to tell you that Joni has like 25698523 friends and she spent the next two hours adding friends to her page. I didn't get in the bed till 11:30 due to her networking and if you know me that's almost unheard of for me.

Kenny and I went to see 'The Naked Truth' and can I just say that it was hysterical and very true. Dudes are visual creatures and the only good way to keep one interested for life is to make out with his ding dong every once in a while. Whatever, not me. I don't do that to Kenny and he's still around. The movie is great for a laugh and it is absolutely worth the money.

Chandler got his fingernails and his toenails trimmed by a little girl at 'Hank the nail dudes' shop today and he is hooked for life. He was all sitting up in the chair just grinning and admiring his sweet toes. Very funny.

Oh, and Joni I know you didn't want me to blog about this but I'm sorry Boo you know I have to.....so we get in her car to go pick up dinner last night and I was gonna drive due to the fact that she makes me more nervous than a hooker in church when she drives around Frankvegas. As I turned the car on she was all, "You have to just put your seat belt on for a split second so that they think you're gonna wear it, then you can take it off." Blink, blink, blink......I was all, "Who's they?" She came back with, "The car people. It will ding at you if you don't just click it for a second to make them think you're gonna wear it." Then we both busted out laughing......I did indeed fool the 'car people' by clicking it, then taking it off......Omg, good weekend people, good weekend.

Jamie, really?

7:46:00 PM Edit This 1 Comment »

I'm sorry but this question just has to be ask, "How bad does your career have to be going for you to go on nationwide television talking to some bitches about their doodoo schedule?" VOD says they must be paying her a shit load of money.

You know what? It doesn't matter how much they are paying her, I lost my virginity watching a movie starring her running from a creepy, mask wearing, machete toting, dude chased her around her neighborhood in her bra and panties. Now my memory of her is not going to be a happy one, it's gonna be that she's a little bit obsessive over some shitting. Geez, Jamie you're way to good to be chatting up some shit with some ladies. And now that I've said that, why don't they have a doodoo stimulating yogurt for men? I mean do dudes never have constipation, do they all shit daily? I think not. Dannon, don't discriminate against the man folk.

Second, that skinny tool named Ronnie on Big Brother 11, is a total waste of space as far as I'm concerned. As if all of his stupid nerd skimming and back stabbing wasn't bad enough, tonight I found out that he is actually married. Um, I'm sorry but Ronnie, does yo wife have a dick? Cause I'm betting a years salary that either she really does have one or shes a giant fag hag (and I can say this cause I've been a fag hag a couple times in my life. Love my queens.) I think we could just call it a marriage of convenience. I mean he nearly busted out crying over a DVD of Legally Blond the Musical and a bubble wand. Ronnie, go home and let your wife know that you are living a big fat lie. That way she has a chance at a normal life.

And don't even get me started on Shima, I can't stand to look at her for much longer. Not only does she laugh at her own jokes and she has two giant polyps for lips, but she just has an ugly attitude. I just want to walk up to her and kick her in her crotch every time she opens her cave, I mean mouth.

Damn, I sound angry tonight, don't I? I'm not, I'm perfectly delightful but these were two issues I just had to get off my chest. Oh and one more thing, stripper poles on 'dance your ass off'? That is just wrong on a gazillion levels. I mean if the sleazy outfits didn't leave you with your mouth gaping open in disbelief, watching them maneuver a pole sure will. BIG PEOPLE HAVE NO BUSINESS TRYING TO DANCE ON A STRIPPER POLE....JUST SAY NO TO DUMB SUGGESTIONS PEOPLE. (and I can say this cause I am fat and think my people should just know better.)

That is all people, carry on. Peace out....

Kill me now....

6:11:00 PM Edit This 3 Comments »

Couple of things today, first when did McDonald decided that I wanted to spend my child's college fund on a fucking meal deal? Yeah, a number 12 with a small shake as the drink is 6.99. I turned to Chandler and said, "Just so you know, you will never order this shit again. I just went to Wendys and got three burgers, one fry, and one chili for 5.95 to feed three of us. I'm paying a whole dollar more than that on ten nuggets, one fry, and a small shake to feed just you? Not gonna happen again. You're ten and you will have a happy meal from this point forward." Geez, McDonalds has gone a little McStupid on their McOutrageous Mcfucking prices. God please keep me from crawling out this window and into the drive thru window to shove this 7.00 dollars down this girls throat. I think I'll give them a Walmart bag with 700 pennies in it if there ever is a next time. Count those bitches.

And second, I paid 2.00 dollars for a Nintendo 64 at a garage sale on Saturday. That was for the system, one controller, and four games. As soon as I got in the door with it, my stepson is all, "Omg, you should totally go get Super Smash Brothers for this, is so fun!" Now the only place that's even close to Frankvegas is a place in downtown Nashville, so here we go at 8:00 pm Saturday night to the Great Escape. And no, it's not actually a great escape. It's a dive where they give you a quarter for your preowned DVD and then they resell it for 10.00 making a 9.75 dollar profit. Ass jockeys.

I called first to make sure that they had the games for that ancient system, and the boy is all, "Oh yeah, we got four boxes full of em and they start at 2.00." Omg, I nearly shot a wad at that news. But 26 seconds in the door dried me right up, when I took a look in the box, spotted the game Kris wanted, turned it over and eyeballed the price of 24.99. Whaaaattttttt thhheeeee fucccccckkkkkk! Are they kidding right now?

That totally goes against everything I believe in, I spent 2.00 on the system and then 48.00 for two games and another controller. Kris was all, "Please I never ask for anything." Oh really, then can I take it off yo mommas 400.00 child support payment next week? I think he's not quite gasping the fact that we help support that 15 year old, eating you out of house and home, child. I've never seen anyone who can eat like this teenage boy. She's gonna have to start sending some food with him on his weekends.

So after I had a mini coronary in the store I finally handed over my check card even though it went against my religion to do so.

My next beach vacation isn't until October but I'm not sure I'm gonna make it till then without killing somebody that works either in a store or a fast food restaurant.

But on the upside I've been talking to my cousin Cindy who is apparently married to a filthy rent man that never works and owns a house on the beach in Texas, so we have a killer 6 bedroom house to stay in for free that sits smack dab on the damn beach. Now I'm starting to wonder why I haven't been talking to her all my life. She tried to tell me about the 600 acres in the upper part of Mississippi that they have a cabin on and that they rent out to hunters. Okay, I didn't hear anything past cabin, blah, blah, blah, hunters, blah, blah, blah......um, Cindy I don't do any activities that involve outdoors and or a gun, but thanks.

funniest things said....

7:35:00 PM Edit This 2 Comments »

Ah, 1995 was a good year to go to Vegas....yes, what happens in Vegas should always stay in Vegas especially if you didn't get arrested for it. And we didn't...

** "Yeah, he probably was sleeping till you shoved him in a garbage bag and suffocated him." - (Um, this was about Holly's dog that I discovered lying in the road after some crotch jockey ran him over and drove off. I was trying to console Holly the next day after she bury 'puppy' by telling her that he really didn't have any injuries that we could tell, he just looked like he was sleeping, then VOD let this shit fly out of her pie hole.)

** "Really? Did he drop it while he was trying to get his pants off?" - The Comcast set up dude was at our house for over four hours setting up comcast in four rooms and internet? Yeah, he was really trying to touch my moms titties. She said he dropped a brochure and two plastic baggie things while he was on his way up the steps so I figure he must have been running up while yanking his pants down. She swear she didn't touch his cable.

** "A placebo? That's what comes out after you have a baby." - Omg, I had to take a deep breath before blurting out, "Um, that would be a placenta!" It was that statement alone that made me want to start funniest things said again. They had mention this term on the show 'House' and I ask what one was, this was Einstein....I mean VOD came back with.

** "No, not you, if he were to see you naked, he would never come back from that." - We were thinking of sitting in the living room naked to surprise our little midget five year neighbor who keeps barreling into our house to ask if Chandler can come out to play. We've decided that if he were to see my moms twin sand bag girls, he will most likely never recover.

** "Okay when you say hairy back, are you talking Chewbacca hairy or just a few hairs? Cause I can't do the whole fur coat hairy back thing." - This was a guy that owns a restaurant that we go to every week, I hugged him and scratched my hands down his back, dude came unglued and said, "I'm ticklish cause I got a hairy back." He finally pulled up his sleeve to his shoulder to show us that he was indeed Snufflupagus back there.

** "They determined that Michael Jacksons death was cause by food poisoning. The last thing he ate was a nine year old wiener." - Kenny never says anything funny, so this made me spew water all over him. One of the truck drivers at work told him this one and he just said it like it was the truth, not in a joke telling way at all. So funny.

What the fuck?...

9:53:00 PM Edit This 2 Comments »

Number 1: We had a yard sale this morning cause what better to do on a holiday weekend while you're off than to sit and put up with trying to 'chew' you down. (yep, chew you down is some shit Kenny said. He actually thought that's what the expression was......he's just for looks.)
We opened our sale at 7:00 am and at 7:01 I was mentally beggin this Mexican dude to get out of my yard with this 'will you take less for it?' ass. Omg, dude it's a dollar! If you don't have a dollar, do not go to a yard sale. Oh, and don't even get me started on the lady who took a good ten minutes to take some seat warmer massager thing out of the box to examine it.....okay, it's two bucks it's not a damn car that you have to finagle the salesman on. Shit! But on the upside we did get to see a radical mullet on this one fat guy.....so great, we totally couldn't stop staring at him. I was in such awe of it that I didn't think to pick up my damn camera to take a photo.
Number 2: 'Dance your ass off', what the hell were they thinking with this show? Don't get me wrong, I'm all about some fat girls getting some face time on TV, but they have stuffed them into these creepy, tight, hooker wear, that I'm not sure would look good on a skinny chick, much less someone with a lot of extra weight. Put some fucking clothes on these people before you let them dance, I think you'd get a lot more exposure (no pun intended.)......geez.
I mean I know that everyone in America is sitting in their living room spewing liquids all over their carpet while laughing hysterically at these poor people. And I pray to the Baby Jesus that they aren't gonna spend every show dancing hip hop, you can only watch so much hip hop dance before wanting to stab a pencil into your eye.......I'm just saying. I can't hardly wait for the fat girl version of the Bachelor.
Number 3: This five year old child that we just met like two days ago and who just happens to live next door to us has actually just walked into our house tonight without knocking. Wtf? What if I was naked when he decided to do that? That's some shit that he would never have come back from, okay? "Ma'am why hasn't your son spoken in 25 years?" Well, he saw this fat chick completely naked at 5 and never recovered.
I really need to set up a pow wow with this mom about the importance of knocking on someones door before barreling into their home.

Thirteen Thursday Meme....

4:56:00 AM Edit This 2 Comments »

This is a photo of me at my wedding reception, I think Kenny might have been trying to get my garter off with his teeth, but it tickled and I couldn't stop laughing....here we go.

** Do you have any unusual collections? I only collect seashells now. I have some really cool ones.

** Do you screen your phone calls? Not so much, I do not answer ‘restricted’ calls.

** Do you talk to yourself? Yes. I don’t think I’m quite as funny as everyone else does though.

** If I was a car, I'd be: a pink Hummer. (No pun intended.)

** If I was a drink, I'd be: a pink pantie pull down, sweet with a edge. (Again, no pun intended.)

** If I was emotion, I'd be: happy.

** If you were a Survivor contestant, what would be your luxury item? My MP3 player. I can escape to anywhere just by listening to the right song.

** Can we truly love someone who loves another? Sure. It sucks asses,but it can be done.

** What's your most treasured piece of jewelry? Why? All three of my Pandora bracelets cause it has charms to represent everyone in my life. Crap, I’m a Hallmark card.

** Are you a window person or an aisle person? Why? Window, so I can see the ground the plane will go crashing to.

** If you had to marry someone that you presently know unromantically, and spend the rest of your life as their spouse, who would you choose? Joni. What? You didn’t say it had to be a man.

** What is the most important thing in any relationship? Being able to tolerate being in their presence for long periods of time.

** Every person you have ever slept with is invited to a banquet where you are the guest of honor. No one will be in attendance except you, the collection of your former lovers, and the catering service. After the meal, you are asked to give a fifteen-minute speech to the assembly.What do you talk about? Omg, I’m speechless. I got nothing. It's not easy to stump me, but I'm at a lose for words right now. Damn it, I hate when that happens.

Rants and Raves.....

4:48:00 AM Edit This 3 Comments »

Okay first, for my birthday my mom sent about 75 big square photo negatives that I've been holding since my childhood, to California to have them developed for me. So we get them back in a week or so later and while filing from them we find this photo. I'm all "Who are 'Children of the Corn' kids?" To which my mom annouces that she's never seen these kids before in her life. It's the third on from the right that has my attention, she is all looking at the camera dude like, "Yeah, I'm the chick from The Exorcist and I'm fixin to spew pea soup on you, then my head is gonna spin around right before I kill you with my creepy Satan stare." Then again the shadow of the person taking the photo that's plastered all over their chests looks sort of like the Devil himself with a beak and a weird turkey haircut. Maybe these are his babies, but how did they get into my photos? Awkward.

** I'm gonna start on Chasity Bono, why the hell would she want to lose that beautiful name?! And I'm not totally sure but I think she is wanting the surgery to turn her hoohoo into a wiener. Um, Chase (as you want to be called.) you a big girl, the first think you need to do is get yo momma to pay for gastric bypass and some hair extensions cause believe me, you'd get a lot more bitches to play with your new wiener if you were a little bit smaller with longer hair. Right now you resemble a small car with a buzz cut.
** Next I've been watching this new show called, "Obsessed" on A&E. These people that they have put on this show are tore up. I've only seen a couple of them so far and let me run down the list for you. One guy was a germaphobic who's house only housed white things, no rugs and or blankets, one girl was still tripping over her daddy dying in a car wreck, the hospital made the mistake of giving her the cut up bloody clothes he was wearing when he died and she couldn't stop putting them on her body.....I know, ewwww. Then the second show had a bitch that was creeped out over her mom's hands, if the mom was in her presence she had to have her hands folded together, the girl also couldn't stand for the mother to touch her or anything else lightly, nor could she deal with the mom making a 'k' sound....like using the words, walk, park, clean, close. Oh yeah, she's a nut job. And lastly this pudgy Mexican girl was just sitting in the library one day when she suddenly started to look around at the other people in there while thinking, 'any one of them could kill me at any moment.' These thoughts consumed her not to mention that fact that when she was in a car and a pedestrian walked in front of her she had to resist the urge to step on the gas and run the person down. I mean there's not been one person on this show that I didn't want to just walk up to, slap them across the face, and scream, 'KNOCK IT OFF!' Good TV though.
** A new girl started at work last Monday and can I just say that I'm totally crushing on her, no in a sexual way mind you but she is the bomb. Her name is Angelia and we have a buttload of crap in common so I look forward to getting to know her. Now I just have to find a way to get her to drink my scrapbooking and yard saleing Kool Aid she'd be what I call the total package.
** My child just might not make it to see his 10th birthday which is next week cause he has parked a Winnebago on my last damn fat girl nerve and he refuses to back off. Kenny and I were trying to watch 'ET' with him on Sunday and he was playing his DS while attempting to watch the movie, but then out of no where he just starts singing about somebodys front porch and sitting on it and eating watermelon.......it went on for a couple of minutes before I had to scream at him and point out to him that he doesn't pull that crap with VOD when their alone together, but as soon as I walk in the door he turns into a spazz. So Chandler, "KNOCK IT OFF!" before I have to beat your tiny ass.

** I was bored the other night while sitting in bed playing on my mini laptop when I decided to go check out the men for men section of Craigslist. Can I just say that men are creepy dirty people who just want someone to look at their junk. I would say that 80 percent of the ads had a photo of some mans twig and two berries. Why ya'll got to be taking photos of your shit? No one want to see it, well except the serial killer that will enviably come to meet you and who will cut your junk off to place in his freezer for a future meal.......As luck would have it, the woman for woman didn't have any photos cause woman don't like to post pictures of their wooyahs all over the Internet. Men are gross.

13 Thursday - Random questions...

5:37:00 PM Edit This 0 Comments »

** What is the last song that was stuck in your head and how did you get rid of it? Hoedown throw down, damn that Miley Cyrus.

** Imagine you're packing a picnic lunch. What would be in your basket? Bologna sandwiches, Cheese Puffs, and Ding Dongs. Don’t say it.

** What's the best summer job you ever had? At 16, I babysat for these two boys; their mom let me drive her Peugeot all over town. I took them to the local country club swimming pool everyday. And I made 100.00 dollars a week doing it, in 1980 that was a lot of money for a teenager. Love that job.

** If you promised to never lie again in your lifetime, in what area would it be hardest to uphold the promise? The area where some ask, "do you like my new haircut?" or "do these pants make me look fat?" I would have to resist the urge to scream, "bitch yes, they make you look fat cause you are fat. All of your pants make you look fat."

** Would you rather be a pirate or a prince/princess? Omg, Princess hands down.

** When you're lost, do you ask for directions? Yes, because I have a vagina and I do not want it getting raped.
** Of all your favorite foods, which one would you find the most difficult to give up for the rest of your life? Gigi’s Cupcakes and omg, did you hear Krispy Kremes might go out of business? Wtf?

** How often do you get your haircut? Describe your worst haircut. I don’t have it cut that often cause it’s growing out and my worst one is from the 2nd grade when my mom chopped my shit off with some dull scissors.

** If you were reincarnated as some other plant or animal, what would it be? I’d like to be a cat cause they don’t do shit but lie around all day, play with some string, and eat. What could be better than that?

** If you had to give yourself a nickname what would it be? Peaches or Baby girl both nicknames that former friends called me and I didn’t mind being called those. Course, my husband calls me ‘kitten’ or ‘my little beach bunny’. Yeah, I know….I just threw up in my mouth a little too.
** Do good things come to those who wait? If they do, I’ve never seen it. Nor have I seen bad people get their day in Hell either.

** What three things you regret not learning to do? Cook, play the piano, and ballroom dance.
** How old were you when you learned to tie your shoes? I so don’t remember that. I do know that I tie backwards from everyone else. Thanks Dad.

** Who do you think you are? I think I’m the girl that makes everyone laugh and I’m the girl that will leave an impression on you for life whether it be a bad one or a great one.